Merriam Webster on-line defines “Ennui” as
“A feeling of weariness and dissatisfaction.”
Well, I’ve been feeling a lot of it lately. Great big heaping gobs of it. It’s not as if I don’t have things to be doing, to keep me busy, or goals to work on. I am working on some projects to develop my Hospitality and Restaurant Management career, I have a number of writing projects, and I am working on my spiritual and religious development through a variety of projects and meet-ups. Still, I have felt, Bleagh! Why bother? Not so much a dark self-defeating voice of fear as much as a desire to do little except sleep and stare into space.
I sometimes wonder… My family and I look at my Mom, and her alcoholism, with 20/20 hindsight and see it not as her core problem, but as the symptom of years of depression. I sometimes wonder if this, too, is an inheritance I have from her, as well as a keen mind and an occasionally addictive personality.
Last night I was sitting near the pool, watching my Partner swim around and telling him I wasn’t feeling like swimming when the wind changed. I took a deep breath and there, flittering into my fore-brain on the winds of intellect, having flown over the ocean of intuition, was a quote from the Al-Anon daily affirmations…
“Just for Today ~ I will do 2 things I don’t want to do – just for exercise.”
…actually it’s part of a larger affirmation about exercising your soul in 3 ways. But, here at least, that’s not as important as the realization I had that there have been a lot of things I have been hesitating to do, and especially say, because I have been afraid of the hassles or backlash associated with the saying of them. Anytime, recently, when I have meditated on my Chakra’s there has been this big blockage or sense of stumbling at the throat chakra… ?hello? … communication issues anyone?
So in the short term I climbed into the pool and swam around a little. In the long term I am getting off my butt and speaking my mind, with some careful thought beforehand, but no more wallowing in what’s-the-point-itis!
I swear…, I had better start giving daily prayers of thanks to the Goddess and God of Witchcraft, and the other Gods I honor, for being gentle with me and not just hitting me with a clue-by-four!
… or was last night my clue-by-four?!
Well, here are a few things I am going to be taping copies of to my bathroom mirrror, to remind me and to keep me inspired…
Affirmations from Al-anon…
(Not a bad beginning on a daily practice)
Ø Just For Today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all of my problems at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me If I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
Ø Just For Today I Will Be Happy. This assumes to be true What Abraham Lincoln said, that “…most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be”
Ø Just For Today I will adjust myself to what is, And not try to adjust everything to my own desires, I will take my “luck” as it comes and fit myself to it.
Ø Just For Today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought, and concentration.
Ø Just For Today I will exercise my soul in 3 ways;
I. I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; If anyone knows about it, it will not count.
II. I will do 2 things I don’t want to do – just for exercise.
III. I will not show anyone my feelings are hurt; They may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
Ø Just For Today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I won’t find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.
Ø Just For Today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests; hurry and indecision.
Ø Just For Today I will have a quiet half-hour, all by myself, and relax. During this half-hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.
Ø Just For Today I will be unafraid. Especially, I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.
By Max Ehrmann
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.
Daily Prayer 1
Pax / Geoffrey © 2004
Mother Celestial and Father Divine,
Let me walk in Strength and Beauty,
Let me exercise both Power and Compassion,
With both Honor and Humility,
Let me always remember Mirth, as well as Reverence,
That I may be worthy of Thy Perfect Love and Perfect Trust,
And that of those in whose hearts you dwell,
So Mote It Be.
Daily Prayer 2
Pax / Geoffrey ©2006
Father Celestial and Mother Divine,
Let me embody, and evoke from, within myself
The Bravery and Confidence,
To act with Your Inspiration.
Help me to not fear to move forward,
And if I occasionally stumble then so be it.
At least I will be moving forward,
And I can always get up,
Dust myself off,
And continue forward,
Towards happiness and success.
So Mote It Be.
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