Nailing down my practice, knocking open my heart

Dear Pagani,

So as mentioned I did a rewrite of the Spiritual Practices page… I’ve been trying to build on my spiritual practices… adding meditation to my prayer and now some physical exercise each morning…  I am trying to figure out how to schedule and how to fit these soul feeding ways into my life.

It’s tough.  Not because of scheduling so much as because of The Fear(tm).

It sits in and around my heart sometimes when I try to imagine myself getting up early to excercise or to meditate.  It hovers around when I sit down trying to write essays, and articles, and stories.

I’m afraid.  Afraid I don’t have as much to say as I thought I did.  Afraid that even if I do have something to say it’s all been said before.  I find myself doubting my past choices and my ability to make them in the future.

And, at the same time…

I feel as if this fear and tiredness and emptiness is some species of growing pain.  I feel like I am finding a more stable connection or relationship with the Numinous Divine with each conscious breath I draw.  I feel like I need to confront this fear and wrestle it to the ground and pin it… having pinned it I will reach a hand out to it, pull it up off the mat, and shake it’s hand… accepting it as a part of me.

These though, are partly emotional and partly intellectual observations of my reactions to The Fear(tm)… is this The Shadow that so many folks talk about?  I wonder if I am at the point where simply knowing I shouldn’t listen to the part of me that is always saying “you can’t ____” is not enough any more… if I now need to look that inner voice square in the eye and ask, “Why the hell not?!”

I’ve never had trouble opening my heart with love for others, myself on the other hand…

I shall send my prayers to Hecate…. and to the Horned God of the Witches… not in the same ceremony… but They are two who have undeniably shown themselves to me, and whom I have a knowledge and understanding of.  In my tool box in this struggle I also have the Spiritual Practices, and a knowledge of Theurgy and Magick.  I have the inspirational stories of many excellent folks from the Pagan blogoshpere, and I have dear, dear friends.

I find myself wondering if, on some level, it was avoiding this struggle that led me off the Pagan spiritual path before… or rather not off of it, just let me find so many shiny distractions from it…

I need sleep and then to the Work…



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