I am still remembering to breathe. Now I just need to remember how to write. I have been trying and trying to write out pieces on perserverance and beloved community for the Pagan Values month event and not having much success or inspiration. Although I have been puttering away here and there and everywhere with lots of writting, but I haven’t really completed any of it. Not that I mind the practice I just wish I could mellow my Muse long enough for here to stay on a topic long enough to finish.
So I breathe.
In the midst of a lot of chaos I breathe.
As you may already know June is International Pagan Values Blogging and Podcasting Month, and a number of works on the topic have already been cast out onto the Aether. I had looked forward to doing a lot more writing of my own on the topic but much like last year, this June has been full of chaos and changes and challenges.
In June of last year, my old desktop computer finally died on me and I had to purchase a new one. Then in August my ex The Big Guy unceremoniously ended our mis-labeled life partnership.
This years June has seen a lot of Chaos at the motel I work at with folks in the front desk department quitting suddenly and calling in sick repeatedly resulting in 11 hour shifts and extra work days all around as well as an atmosphere of chaos and shell shock. Then there was the other Monday, the day my new boyfriend (or should that be bearfriend?) The Fabulous Jonathan’s mother was going into the hospital for heart valve surgery, my car started to leak coolant fluid (again) like a sieve, my friend A___ called to let me know his partner P___ was in the hospital with a parasitic infection affecting ALL of his lymph nodes (the doctors have since eliminated HIV/AIDS and after a biopsy eliminated Lymphoma as suspects and figure it was just a very serious infection) Then my friend Aarnvast’s car died on him the next day after he had driven me home the night before and the tow truck had come to pick my car up from his house!
I am beginning to view June and July and August with some suspicion I can tell you!
BUT I continue to breathe, to find ways to honor my relationships with my family and friends and community and with the Spirits and Ancestors and Gods. I continue to move forward with my goals and have done well at updating the Pagan Values project blog. I am still moving forward even as a tough anniversary approaches and I feel moments of grief and sadness over the death of a cherished relationship, even as I hope that someday The Big Guy and I might renew acquaintance and become …friends?
And still I persevere, I pray to my many Goddesses and Gods, I breathe into my Center, I Ground, I try to take time to listen either in formal meditation or in seeking even a moment of stillness and connection with The Numinous within each day.
The subtle signs around me seem to be saying “worry less about your words for a while. LISTEN and OBSERVE and OPEN UP TO THE MYSTERY” even as I struggle to understand just what that mystery is. Am I fooling myself or have my regular applications of prayer begun to work their magic upon the Universe and upon Me. Am I to learn who this flower above me is and what This Gods work is soon and shall all my parts become known to me?
The approaching anniversary of my life falling apart last year feels like, a gateway, or perhaps a new cross-roads. I gave myself a year to just be. With that anniversary comes the anniversary of my cross-continental move to Florida to begin a new life with the Big Guy… Even though I am no longer with him in many ways that new life is now much more underway than it ever was with him.
And still I breathe. Breathe the breath of life and reach out to the Divine and the beloved living and honored and beloved dead and the nymphs and the Guardians of The Watchtowers and all my many relations.
I feel a yearning for poetry… I think I shall dig out my books of poetry from their plastic tote boxes and read and declaim and luxuriate in the sensuality of language for a while… perhaps a bottle of wine,,,
First though some sleep, and more wandering words working towards completion.
5 thoughts on “Free writing, breathing, and introspection…”
Pax, you always humble and amaze me with how much of yourself and the daily trials this path hands us. I root for you everyday.
Darnit, I’m totally not coherent today, and couldn’t delete the above comment.
What I meant to say was:
“Pax, you always humble and amaze me with how much of yourself and the daily trials this path hands us, you are willing to share. I root for you everyday. ”
I figure if I am going to blog about Witchcraft and Paganism and such than it is important to try and include some of the daily stuff, especially since flashier ritual and spell stuff is SO over covered elsewhere.
I also find, in some weird way, that blogging on here is the most productive journaling I have ever done. And when I get past my internal sensors I find I make connections with others across the world.
Pax….and lets not forget that P___ got out of the hospital. Mom is home with a new bovine heart valve (MOOOOOOO MOOOOOOOOOOO) and doing just fine, your car was fixed as well as Arnvast’s. things do work themselves out. I love you my most handsome boyfriend and I hope that you will find your future Summer months full of joy and love.
You are SUCH a keeper!!