“Wake me up when September ends…”

Dear Friends,

A while  back I did a  mini-post on the equinox that was a reference, not only to the song, but to the theme in my life of some pretty big life changes at or near the Autumnal Equinox… apparently it is the Spring Equinox’s turn…

My ex, The Big Guy, passed away sometime on the 21st…

I started writing the following this last September as I tried to sort out my thoughts and feelings about a man I still loved… I had never stopped… it was complicated and I maintain we both made mistakes and (even as I love and cherish what I have with The Fabulous Jonathan) I wish I could have been a better partner to The Big Guy…

Here is what little I wrote about my meeting with The Big Guy…

On 9/25/10, I will have been in Orlando for 5 full years.  Green Day’s song was all over the radio that Autumn.  I was finishing things up in Anchorage and getting ready for the cross country move to start my new life here in Orlando with The Big Guy…

The first time I say him, at a men’s club meeting, he was visiting L___, his then boyfriend, and checking out Anchorage.  I say his blue eyes and boyish face from across the room I can remember thinking to myself.  “Wow, he’s just so beautiful!” … but he was also someone elses boyfriend… and his then bf was someone who had chased me quite ardently until he caught me and then dropped my like a hot coal… he latter badmouthed me as a slut around the Gay community in Anchorage when the strange forces of fate combined with the relatively small pool of single well-adjusted Gay men in my hometown led me to be the next guy to date a couple of his exes after things with L ended or ended badly for them.  The whole avidly pursuing and then losing interest after catching a guy was a longstanding habit of L___’s, as I later learned and a pattern he would end up repeating with the Big Guy after BG had moved up to Alaska from Florida to be with him… funny how these things run in cycles isn’t it?

I next ran into the Big Guy, and L_____, at a men’s club Christmas party.  Then there was the New Years party.

Hosted by a nice couple from the men’s club (it is a Gay men’s social club if you hadn’t clued into that fact already…) at their fabulous Condominium.   The New Years party was attended by many members of the club and several other friends of theirs.  Including some geek friends of mine who I knew would appreciate this cartoon.… which only makes slightly more sense if you’ve seen this

Any how I shared the warped cartoon and a some conversation, and a fair amount of drinks and conviviality with my friends and acquaintances.  As midnight approached L_________ was snogging with someone else and I worked up my courage approached The Big Guy and kissed him, fervently.  That was when I learned that he blushed, like a schoolboy!  A handsome face, beautiful blue eyes, blushes like a school boy a slightly shy demeanor at first and a nice sense of humor.

It wasn’t until February that I heard from The Big Guy asking me for a copy of that cartoon for a friend of his, or at least that was the pretense for writing to me.  My own life was in transition at that point as I had been let go from a previous job and was on unemployment as I worked some stuff out and got some training and assistance from the Alaska Department of Vocational Rehabilitation.  They were helping me get re-diagnosed for my A.D.D. and get medication for it among other things.  Anyhow, I had plenty of free time and started an ongoing e-mail conversation with The Big Guy.

He expressed his unhappiness and frustration in his relationship with L, and I tried to be a supportive friend.  I was DONE dating L’s exes… or so I thought… so I tried to be an encouraging and compassionate voice in his life.  I started by reaching out e-mails of friendship.  Over time we decided to meet up face-to-face and be social after he had had a conversation with L____ about ending things.   We met at a funky little Martini bar in downtown Anchorage…

We had a lovely face to face conversation and went somewhere more private and kissed some more and decided we liked kissing and so started dating.

Despite the lightning bolt of affection and desire I had felt for him, I really wasn’t looking to fall in love.  We dated for a couple of months and then one day there was a movie showing that several members of the Men’s Club were attending and I bowed out of because I didn’t have the money.  We met for coffee and social time later that day and we talked about it, and I admitted  that I hadn’t gone because I didn’t have the money and he said…

“Geoffey, you should have told me, I would have covered you… we’re partners.”

My heart broke open and sang when he said that.

I was going to write out this whole detailed exploration/exorcism of our relationship… how my own A.D.D enabled density and inexperience in real relationship, and his own past history of hurts, and both of our insecurities, contributed to the downfall…  and I held of on writing that…

It was a very bad and painful break-up, and despite the harshness of how he chose to end our relationship and my own deep regrets of my failings as his Partner, I never stopped caring for him and wishing him well or loving him, and always held out hope that we might renew our acquaintance someday and become friends.

He was a sweet, funny, wonderful man.

Good bye, Big Guy


I have cried my tears tonight and may cry some more…

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