(and)  28 days of writing/posting… day 4

Dear Friends,

So I have at least kept to my determination to post ~something~ each day… admittedly it is only day 4, but still… feels good to be writing and getting some thoughts out…

It’s interesting to think how much I have dived into Facebook, and shied away from longer posts here, or on The Pagan Values Blogject.  In the last few years there have been a lot of deep cuts to my self and self-confidence.  The end of a life-partnership, the ups and downs of being rejected and dismissed in some of the local Pagan community groups, upheavals at work and in my living situation over the last 6 months.

There have certainly been ups in the roller-coaster ride too, meeting The Fabulous Jonathan, having the chance to craft and lead a ritual for the first time in years, finding myself new friends and new community at the local U.U. Congregation, slowly becoming closer friends with a number of far-flung online Pagan acquaintances and friends.

I am also realizing how part of the trickling down of my writing here and elsewhere has been the fear of criticism and rejection and just feeling tired of feeling like my ideas and thoughts and opinions, when expressed, serve to only paint red-and-white concentric circles all over me in the eyes of others.  I have realized how worn out feeling I’ve felt the last few months, contracting from the world, sensitive and brittle emotionally, tender, hurt, tired…

It can be difficult to open ones heart to others, and when that trust, that gift is disrespected in can cut bone deep.  I’d given myself room to get angry or to get away from some painful stuff, but I’ve not been allowing myself to heal… to let the past be past…. and it has been undermining my present more and more.  I am reminded of discussions with Rev. Kathy, my U.U. Church’s Minister…

She makes the observation (that I am going to now paraphrase, and possibly mangle) of how a U.U. Congregation is supposed to be a place of Beloved Community, a refuge where all can be welcomed and be held safe, where you can come no matter what spiritual burdens or wounds you carry with you… BUT, part of Beloved Community… part of Religious Community, is that is should be a place that helps make you whole… and that requires you to be willing ~eventually~ to start the difficult work of healing.

I’ve been shying away from that, and from continuing to open my heart and mind to engagement with the world, and thus to Spirit, in my writings here and at the Pagan Values Blogject, in favor of the pithy and generally safer and smaller bites of thought and sound on Facebook.

…seeing and admitting you have a problem is the first step, lets see if the remaining 22 days can help me recover my writing and spiritual mojo…

The journey continues…

Pax / Geoffrey