Category: remembering

“Wake me up when September ends…”

On By PaxIn everyday, remembering2 Comments

Dear Friends,

A while  back I did a  mini-post on the equinox that was a reference, not only to the song, but to the theme in my life of some pretty big life changes at or near the Autumnal Equinox… apparently it is the Spring Equinox’s turn…

My ex, The Big Guy, passed away sometime on the 21st…

I started writing the following this last September as I tried to sort out my thoughts and feelings about a man I still loved… I had never stopped… it was complicated and I maintain we both made mistakes and (even as I love and cherish what I have with The Fabulous Jonathan) I wish I could have been a better partner to The Big Guy…

Here is what little I wrote about my meeting with The Big Guy…

On 9/25/10, I will have been in Orlando for 5 full years.  Green Day’s song was all over the radio that Autumn.  I was finishing things up in Anchorage and getting ready for the cross country move to start my new life here in Orlando with The Big Guy…

The first time I say him, at a men’s club meeting, he was visiting L___, his then boyfriend, and checking out Anchorage.  I say his blue eyes and boyish face from across the room I can remember thinking to myself.  “Wow, he’s just so beautiful!” … but he was also someone elses boyfriend… and his then bf was someone who had chased me quite ardently until he caught me and then dropped my like a hot coal… he latter badmouthed me as a slut around the Gay community in Anchorage when the strange forces of fate combined with the relatively small pool of single well-adjusted Gay men in my hometown led me to be the next guy to date a couple of his exes after things with L ended or ended badly for them.  The whole avidly pursuing and then losing interest after catching a guy was a longstanding habit of L___’s, as I later learned and a pattern he would end up repeating with the Big Guy after BG had moved up to Alaska from Florida to be with him… funny how these things run in cycles isn’t it?

I next ran into the Big Guy, and L_____, at a men’s club Christmas party.  Then there was the New Years party.

Hosted by a nice couple from the men’s club (it is a Gay men’s social club if you hadn’t clued into that fact already…) at their fabulous Condominium.   The New Years party was attended by many members of the club and several other friends of theirs.  Including some geek friends of mine who I knew would appreciate this cartoon.… which only makes slightly more sense if you’ve seen this…

Any how I shared the warped cartoon and a some conversation, and a fair amount of drinks and conviviality with my friends and acquaintances.  As midnight approached L_________ was snogging with someone else and I worked up my courage approached The Big Guy and kissed him, fervently.  That was when I learned that he blushed, like a schoolboy!  A handsome face, beautiful blue eyes, blushes like a school boy a slightly shy demeanor at first and a nice sense of humor.

It wasn’t until February that I heard from The Big Guy asking me for a copy of that cartoon for a friend of his, or at least that was the pretense for writing to me.  My own life was in transition at that point as I had been let go from a previous job and was on unemployment as I worked some stuff out and got some training and assistance from the Alaska Department of Vocational Rehabilitation.  They were helping me get re-diagnosed for my A.D.D. and get medication for it among other things.  Anyhow, I had plenty of free time and started an ongoing e-mail conversation with The Big Guy.

He expressed his unhappiness and frustration in his relationship with L, and I tried to be a supportive friend.  I was DONE dating L’s exes… or so I thought… so I tried to be an encouraging and compassionate voice in his life.  I started by reaching out e-mails of friendship.  Over time we decided to meet up face-to-face and be social after he had had a conversation with L____ about ending things.   We met at a funky little Martini bar in downtown Anchorage…

We had a lovely face to face conversation and went somewhere more private and kissed some more and decided we liked kissing and so started dating.

Despite the lightning bolt of affection and desire I had felt for him, I really wasn’t looking to fall in love.  We dated for a couple of months and then one day there was a movie showing that several members of the Men’s Club were attending and I bowed out of because I didn’t have the money.  We met for coffee and social time later that day and we talked about it, and I admitted  that I hadn’t gone because I didn’t have the money and he said…

“Geoffey, you should have told me, I would have covered you… we’re partners.”

My heart broke open and sang when he said that.

…

I was going to write out this whole detailed exploration/exorcism of our relationship… how my own A.D.D enabled density and inexperience in real relationship, and his own past history of hurts, and both of our insecurities, contributed to the downfall…  and I held of on writing that…

It was a very bad and painful break-up, and despite the harshness of how he chose to end our relationship and my own deep regrets of my failings as his Partner, I never stopped caring for him and wishing him well or loving him, and always held out hope that we might renew our acquaintance someday and become friends.

He was a sweet, funny, wonderful man.

Good bye, Big Guy

Love,
Geoffrey

I have cried my tears tonight and may cry some more…

The Lady

On By PaxIn Blame Sannion, Bouncing off the Gods, My life with (some of) The Holy Powers and The Spirits, remembering, The Goddess, witchery3 Comments

I Call upon and Invoke Thee

Oh Triple Goddess of the Witches

Mighty Mother Celestial

Black Robed and Silver Clad Queen of the Mysteries

Lady of Spirit and Inspiration and Magick

Ever-changing Goddess of the moon

Lady of the Groves and Gardens

Bride of the Sun

You who is at once, The Maiden of Creativity,

The Mother of Possibilities, and The Secret Wielding Crone,

I Invoke Thee by Perfect Love and Perfect Trust

Please be present in this rite in Thy Honor and Praise

Share with me Your Love and Lore and Law

That Thy Servant and Friend may be Fulfilled

Hail & Well Met

~Invocation, (c) 2010 Pax/Geoffrey Stewart

Dear Friends,

This, which I was determined would be the first entry in this little series, has been a tough post to write for all its brevity.  It is strange to note that I don’t have many dramatic or deep encounters with The Witches Goddess, the Three-fold Lady who is Maiden and Mother and Crone… a couple stand out… but Her presence in my life is a largely subtle one compared to some of my other encounters with Divinities.

The Charge

The Charge, or rather, Valiente’s Charge of The Goddess is the first time I can specifically remember encountering Her.  After all these years I can’t recall which version in which book or where I was when I first read it…. I want to say it was in the back of either Complete Art of White Witchcraft or Diary of A Witch, both by Sybil Leek.

I remember it was an older book.   Anchorage is blessed with some world class used bookstores because it can be ridiculously expensive to move to and from Alaska thus a lot of folks jettison stuff on their way out, I remember the worn pages of a paperback in my hand,the sensation of that light almost feathery quality of the page edges that old paperback books have.  I remember the old paperback/used book scent overlaying that slightest hint of Metaphysical/Occult bookstore.  I remember the slightly old fashioned type against the sepia kissed creme of the page.

I remember the words, as I read them, seeming to flow off the page, up my arms deep into my head and heart.  I remember how filled to bursting I was with Spirit and Love and Hope and Power as I first experienced a sense of Her deep and abiding love.

I remember the sense of the rest of the world receding and the sense of the words speaking directly to the deepest part of my soul.  Drinking down the words of the Charge, I can remember feeling changed.  Touched and Transformed by Her words, sent through Doreen, so many years before I was born.  She was there, and although Her presence in my life has been an often subtle one, She has been with me ever since.

A Voice in The Rec Room

This was one of the few, dramatic, moments in my experiences of the Triple Goddess.  An acquaintance of mine who was claiming to suffer from Multiple Personalities (Dissociative Identity Disorder) had had, or decided to have (which I say looking back on the episode with the perspective of many years experience of the ways people seek to suck up attention and specialness in dysfunctional ways) an episode.

I wasn’t entirely sold on the MPD, had some inkling it might just be attention seeking, but also felt that it was possible that there WAS some mental illness going on or at least some emotional troubles… so I did what any self-respecting Witch would do; I decided to turn it over to the Gods… or in this case The Witches Goddess.  This was early enough in my journey and practice as a Solitary Witch that She was in the spotlight of my practice at the time.

I had decided to try something different, and instead of putting the tools on an altar table or cloth, I arrayed them and the various notions and lotions and potions that inhabited my early altars around me in a circle, and Cast Circle through and upon them.  I did the usual Cirlce rites and then after The Rite, in symbol, I began praying to Her.  I asked Her what I could do for my friend and lay the situation out before here as I understood it at the time and prayed for Her guidance.

“Love him.” She said.

I.  Heard.  The.  Words. Aloud.  Not in the conversation-in-my-head-but-not-my-words style, which is the usual way I get impressions from The Holy Powers, but aloud.  Out, friggin’, Loud!

I spun around, startled, and knocked over the lit Candle for Fire… which luckily went out and did NOT ignite the synthetic orange shag of  daylight basement rec-room.  After a moment of processing this, one of my earliest this-shit-is-real experiences, I uprighted and relit the Candle for Fire and continued to pray for a time.  She, of course, was maddeningly silent after this, but I tried to remain content knowing She was and is there and will put a hand or word in if needed.

Reflection

Mostly I am aware of her on Full Moon nights, or nearly full nights.  The familiar embracing Presence.  The sense of settling in as I begin Invoking Her in Circle, the passionate thread that runs through me as the Blade and Chalice meet.  While I haven’t had a lot of woo-woo experiences involving Her, I have almost never really doubted She is there.

I’d love to be able to say that I have NEVER doubted Them or The Craft, but I am as human as anyone else and sometimes I wrestle with fear and doubt and confusion.  Always though, I return.  I return to Them and to Her.

Lately my relationship with Her has taken a bit of a turn as I encountered the Feri Trad way of addressing Her as “Holy Mother in Whom we live move and have our being”… this has resonated strongly for me and for my practice and I have incorporated that phrase into some of my own Craft.

Peace,

Pax

…

Intro

Libertas (whilst written before this series was conceived of, it fits a little too perfectly into the theme to be ignored…)

The Witches Goddess (this post)

The WitchFather

The Morrigan

Hecate

Dionysus

The Honored and Beloved Dead

Spirits of the World Around Us

My life with (some of) The Holy Powers and The Spirits

On By PaxIn Blame Sannion, Bouncing off the Gods, Gospel Pagan, My life with (some of) The Holy Powers and The Spirits, Pagan Evangelical, remembering12 Comments

(Intro to a series…)

Hello Dear Friends,

This series of posts has its origins in reading Dver’s marvelous post A light in the darkness, which was in turn inspired by Sarah Lawless’ post They’re Watching You.  Most especially it’s been sparked by reading and re-reading Dver’s other post, Committing.  There are other posts that are inspiring and re-inspiring me (including They Hold Our Hands,  from Aquila ka Hecate, and It’s not about us also from Dver, and Gods, Goods and shadows… from CredenceDawg) as I seek to write of my encounters with some of The Holy Powers, and why I believe THEY are important….

That Paganism and Witchcraft and Spirituality and Religion and Devotion are about THEM at least as much as, if not more than, they are about US.  Increasingly I am seeing that this is something of a scandalous or shocking, or perhaps I should say unfashionable, idea amongst a number of my fellow Pagans.  So let me clarify my own personal position.

The. Gods. Are. Real.

So I am going to engage in some commitment with this series of posts.  I am going to write about my personal experiences of some of the Holy Powers and Spirits as I remember experiencing them.  Some of these I have written about before or in part, but I am going to share them here again.  Because they really happened.

For the skeptical or non-theistic out there, especially the ones I know and socialize with in my off-line worlds, some of whom might become concerned or made uncomfortable by this series; I am willing to allow you all the polite escape clause that on some level that its possible that what I describe is all in my head and some psychological peak experience or whatever psychological make-it-some-how-safe-and-rational-excuses you prefer

HOWEVER

The experiences I will write about are such that they have  pushed (or pulled, or perhaps danced) me past the point of Agnosticism, over the borderlands of Belief  and deep into the complex terrain of Experience.

I am not a Polytheist or a Witch because I think that The Gods or Magick are nifty ideas, I am not a Pagan because it helps me to be a better person, I am not a Witch because its some nifty magickal lifestyle choice; I am a Witch and Polytheist because I have experienced Magick and encountered some of the Gods and Spirits and felt the phantom touch of the Ancestors in my life.

Peace,

Pax / Geoffrey

(tip of the hat to Lon Milo Duquette for inspiring the title of the present series of posts)

Intro (this post)

Libertas (whilst written before this series was conceived of, it fits a little too perfectly into the theme to be ignored…)

The Witches Goddess

The WitchFather

The Morrigan

Hecate

Dionysus

The Honored and Beloved Dead

Spirits of the World Around Us

Libertas, Tiananmen Square, and Me

On By PaxIn Blame Sannion, Bouncing off the Gods, Community Building, Cross-roads, My life with (some of) The Holy Powers and The Spirits, Religio-Americana, remembering, The Goddess, The Numinous Divine1 Comment

Dear Friends,

So this years Nobel Peace Prize winner has dedicated his award to the memory of those who died in the June Fourth Incident, as the  Tiananmen Square massacre is known inside China.  It took me a while to decipher the reasons why this news stirred my heart.  Since that time, the Chinese government has done what they can to block the incident or otherwise discredit the ceremony.   When this news broke in early November, though, I was transported back in time….

21 years ago, 1989, the Summer between my Junior and Senior year of High School.  Technically speaking I wasn’t really a Pagan or a Witch yet…  and yet… from early childhood I had had a fascination with stories of magic and the occult and E.S.P. and folklore and mythology.  From the time I got a couple of fill-in-the-blanks word/spelling workbooks with the stories of the Greek and Roman gods started  my fascination with Ancient Greece, which was later aided and abetted by my passionate love of Wonder Woman tv show; I had immersed myself in mythology and folk-lore and stories of the unexplained and such, and if there had been a book in any of my school libraries on such topics I had read it.

My family didn’t go to Church or anything…. we prayed at the Holidays but I wasn’t Churched growing up except for a couple of Christian Summer School experiments that I think Mom and Dad tried out because they felt I should get some species of religious education.  While I am sure that the Baptist Afternoon Bible Summer School must have spoken of God’s Love, all my A.D.D. blessed brain caught a hold of was the whole tow-the-line-or-go-directly-to-Hellfire-and-Brimstone-do-not-pass-go-do-not-collect-$200 part of the theology…; this left young Geoffrey with some issues with Christianity and organized Religion!  I had begun skirting the barest edges of metaphysical and magickal practices from readings in the folklore and Mysteries of the Unexplained Woo Woo readings I had done over the years.  It hadn’t really yet occurred to me that there were other games in town OTHER than Christianity/Judaism (which, since I didn’t know one could convert to, I considered myself wholly ineligible for)/Islam;  I had yet to start reading any Daoist or Buddhist books, that would come later….

Like many people of my generation I found great hope and inspiration in the early days of the coverage of Tienanmen Square, people finding their voice and demanding redress of their grievances from their government…. as a young man born in 1972 and raised with all the patriotic fervor of the U.S. Bicentennial floating about and the (admittedly rose-colored and simplistic) emphasis on U.S. History and Americana and Democracy etc. etc…  how could I not feel moved by the happenings across the Pacific from my homeland of Alaska U.S.A.?

Then, then I saw Her.  It was not simply that they had raised a statue resembling Lady Liberty, although that did stir my soul, but that they outright named Her as Goddess… The Goddess of Democracy… I did not know then that Lady Liberty who stands beside the golden door is meant to represent Libertas…  Yet, something about the fact that people all over the world were being enthralled and inspired by the struggle for freedom and inspired by the image of The Goddess of Democracy, stirred within my mind the idea that the ancient Gods and Godesses were still abroad in the world, stirred my senses and struck chord in my heart and soul and knocked upon the doors of my perception.  It was a deep and abiding and everlasting and celestially symphonic chorus of…

“Yes!  Yes, yes, oh Sweet, oh Divine, oh Glorious; Yes!!!”

…that rang forth from and within my every dancing atom and singing cell.   The swift winged winds of change blowing through my soul, inspiring me and stirring a sea change deep within me.  Even though I didn’t have the language for it at the time, and even though I did not formally start my studies or formally separate myself from the mainstream or from the presumed Judeo-Christian matrix of my late 20th Century U.S. upbringing until a few years later, I can honestly say THAT was the exact moment I truly became a Pagan.

What about you?  When did you say YES?

Peace, and Curiosity,

Pax

PS- after this post was written and posted, a series of posts entitled “My life with (some of) The Holy Powers and The Spirits” started trickling out of me, and this post was too obviously a part of that NOT to be included… for ease of cross referencing Links to the other articles discussing the characters in my life’s Divine and semi-Divine Dramatis Personae will be included below as the posts are written…

Intro

Libertas (this post)

The Witches Goddess

The WitchFather

The Morrigan

Hecate

Dionysus

The Honored and Beloved Dead

Spirits of the World Around Us

A Remeniscence…

On By PaxIn Creativity, Its called humor..., remembering2 Comments

So,

Once Upon A Time,

N–, one of my oldest and dearest friends, used to go by the nick-name and nom-de-net The Incubus.

Now N– had moved away, to Florida actually, and then was moving back to Alaska.  We were all thrilled of course, N– is wicked smart and funny and a delight to be around in many social situations, and I determined to find something amusing and warped for his return.  Inspired by his infernal nick-name and the many ongoing jokes and routines that he and I and our circle of friends had come up with over the years, I typed up and printed out a bakers dozen of contracts, with the signer granting full possession and control of their Immortal Soul to N— to do with as he saw fit.

Now, I am not sure if it is a tribute to N—‘s popularity, my ability to seem quite innocuous, or the lack of forethought of people in their late teens and early twenties, BUT when he stepped from the plane I was able to present N— with 13 SIGNED contracts granting him full ownership and oversight over the immortal souls of a bakers dozen of our friends and acquaintances!

The best of the incidents was with J.H., a fine piece of American military manhood, who quite proudly insisted once he had signing the contract (1)…

“That’s ok, its not like I really  believe in an immortal soul so its no big deal.”

“Well,” said young Pax, who while he wasn’t a piece of military manhood  HAD lettered in Speech&Debate (2) after all, “obviously you DO believe in your immortal soul because you just signed a formal document pertaining to it.”

“For that matter,” he continued cheerfully, whilst discretely tucking said signed contract into the folder with the others and carefully backing away out of lunging range, “by signing the contract you not only admit belief in your  immortal soul but give ownership and control over it to N— all in the same moment!”

J.H. stood there a moment, blinking, and working his jaw as if to speak…

“Uh…uh…Damn It!” he said.

“Well, that’s really no longer your decision, now is it?”” said young Pax as he merrily bopped off into the crowd at the Java Joint in Spenard, Ak.

ah, the folly of youth….

Footnotes…

(1) – In ink, for those that are interested.  In the interests of expediency, and given that the contract was printed on a dot-matrix printer, blood seemed a bit over the top.  It WAS red ink though.   Although I suppose you could use a mixture of Pomegranate Juice and Red Wine and Dragons Blood Ink in a reduction as a substitute…

(2)- Technically speaking I lettered in Drama, Debate, and Forensics… Forensics as in formalized informative or opinion based speeches.  I figured though, that this explanation might distract from the narrative flow, and telling people you lettered in Forensics can get you some really odd looks, especially if inserted into the above…

Notes on the Journey and poems…

On By PaxIn Creativity, Notes on the Journey, Poetry, remembering, Unitarian Universalism, witcheryLeave a comment

(Plus, Pax plays with the new linking set up and labeling system for WordPress…)

Dear Friends,

In addition to discovering Veles’ little gem, I have had a both lazy and eventful Friday… working the 11pm-7am shift Friday and Saturday nights means that I sometimes get a nice long Friday to relax a bit it… especially as the week-ends can be chock-full of things..

I awoke to this depressing news on NPR of the recent effort by the Republicans and Teabagger’s to cut NPR funding, probably because they prefer to maintain the conservative media dominance that they have worked so hard to establish.  So this put me in a bit of a mood today.

In order to try and lift my mood I listened to one of Rev. Kathy’s Sermons from the 1U New Membership Service “What we Freely Choose….“, a very inspiring sermon on the power of choices we make and how we have power to change the moral arc of the Universe…

After that I ended up chatting with Veles on Facebook for a bit, always a delight… and finally HAD to sign off there in order to get some writing and copying done as I poked through my archives for old articles and such.

Then since I was in further need of inspiration, and given that the WitchFather as I am coming to call Him (influenced no doubt by some young rascal or another)  is also the Bringer of Wisdom and Inspiration, I re-listened to episode 4 of the Druidcast podcast… the segment where Ronald Hutton gives a talk about the Wiccan/Neo-Pagan Horned God and his modern history… which always brings a smile to my lips and helps inspire me… and I was also looking for a little extra information and inspiration as I want to contribute to that Horned God Devotional, which of course took me over to of Oak and Ivy… where I found a reference to this poem….

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

~William Ernest Henley

Which poem I very much like and find inspiring and in keeping with the themes of Power and Choice and True Will for today…

I also found, as I poked around the archives that I have surprisingly little written down… at least in the computer about the Horned God, so I shall poke around in the old BoS’s and see what I might see to share, and I will hope that some time presents itself in the wee-hours at work where I can work on some poetry and journaling… although this could be a busy week-end with the Thanksgiving Holiday coming up here in the U.S.

although I did find an old piece of mine I had forgotten about and will be including in the new BoS and Grimmoire I am working on for myself….

Let the Circle Be Cast

In this night and in this hour,

I weave once more, Magicks power,

Between the worlds this Circle stands,
A Sphere of light, a ring of clasping hands,
Here incense sweet and bitter brine,
Shall bless each atom, each cell, and empower, and re-awaken the Divine

Remember, Remember oh blessed space,

That you are of, and beyond, all time and place.

Watchtowers and Powers of Earth and Sky, of Sun and Sea,

Please join in this Circle, and Guide, and Guard,

And celebrate with me.

Mother Celestial and Father Divine,

I call on Thee, as I am Thine.

I cry out welcome to thee,

Welcome to the Powers and Principalities!

With the Fruits of the Earth I welcome Thee,

With sweet scented incense in the Air I welcome Thee,

With the warmth and light of the Fires within my Hearth and Heart I welcome Thee,

With cool and refreshing and holy Water I welcome Thee!

Hail and Well Met and Blessed Be!

~ Pax 2007~

~ed. 2010~

And so now I am off to Dinner and to contemplate poetry and spirituality and how best to work and Work and how to engage in Service in order to help to bend that famous and much talked about moral arc of the Universe towards justice..

Peace,

Pax / Geoffrey

 

This little light of mine…

On By PaxIn Blame Sannion, Community Building, everyday, Gay Pride, remembering, Samhain, Unitarian Universalism, witchery3 Comments

Dear Friends,

So in the last couple of weeks I had seen multiple announcements for the LGBT Youth Candlelight Vigils here in Orlando on the 20th and 21st… for LGBT Teen Suicide Awareness Day on the 20th.   I committed to going to the Lake Eola vigil.  There was also one the next night at UCF…

As a part of these vigils, and apparently as a general part of the LGBT Youth Suicide Awareness day on the 20th folks were encouraged to wear Purple.  Now a lot of times when something like this happens you hear all sorts of encouragement to wear a color and show your support… and folks will change the color of their blog or post a new profile pic… but you don’t hear as much about getting off your butt and marching or sending in your money… and as an aging queer and Witch… well, I can get a bit ornry…

No, I am not going to wear purple, nor am I going to put purple on my facebook profile, what I am doing is going to a candle-lit vigil for glbt youth suicide awareness and I am going to re-commit to voting against homophobia…

~ Pax’s rather ornry Facebook profile from a few days ago…

I was there as a Gay man who had been bullied in High School over his orientation, or rather perceived orientation since I was only partially out to even myself at that point.  I was also there as a Witch, who has finally set aside some of his why-not-to-do-stuff for his why-the-hell-not, and is working on his will and Will.  I was also there to support my friends from the 1st Unitarian Church Orlando, including my friend Sister Ambrosia Discordia of the Orlando Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence (Ambrosia happens to be a member of the 1st U, the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence have no formal relationship with the U.U.A) and our new settled Minister Reverend Kathy Schmitz.

There was a long time where people were simply mingling and talking.   Reverend Kathy spent some time networking with some of the other religious leaders in attendance.  I was kind of odd man out for a while, although my bright pink “Tough Guys Wear Pink” T-shirt did bring some nice compliments!

What!?  I had to wear something.  If for no other reason, because most folks would NOT appreciate me in my altogether/ Bear-on-the-half-shell glory.  Besides you don’t have to wave a rainbow flag to, well, wave the rainbow flag!

As darkness fell and the crowd began to grow as people found parking near Lake Eola Park, or got to the park from wherever they had found parking, some folks began lighting candles they had brought with them and some of the Come Out Orlando vollunteer’s (the group that had put the event together) distributed their candles for the vigil.  It was at this point that it was a pleasant surprise to see members of the Downtown Orlando Circle of the Sublime Elm, and the Orlando G.L.B.T. Pagan’s and Witcbes Meet-up groups in attendance.  I said hello and introduced them to some of the folks from 1st U and to the Sister’s.

Then there was an all too quiet speech, must look for an microphone/bull-horn for the kids at Come Out Orlando… then a lovely and very interfaith prayer from a young lady wearing a clerical color against a lovely lavender shirt.  Then we marched…

Oddly enough, it was the first time I marched in something other than a Pride parade.  Gay Pride, we Pagans don’t have our own parades yet… at least not public ones that I am aware of.  ANYHOW, I had been in protests before but I don’t think I have ever marched before… and since this was a candle-lit vigil it had more of a spiritual/processional feel to it.

It was quite lovely, and a good renewal of my inner activist and my will and possibly my Will.

Peace,

Pax / Geoffrey

Three Ripples from within the Well of Memory

On By PaxIn Its called humor..., remembering8 Comments

(names have been changed to protect, well, ME!)

Incubus: “______ has just informed me she’s a Priestess, of ~The Celtic Religion~….“

Pax: (blink, blink) “Am I to take it from your tone that she isn’t referring to some sort of Celtic Reconstructionism?”

Incubus: (shaking head sadly) “No, no she is not.”

Pax: (sighs)  “I see….”

~~~~~~

My Older Brother S___ visiting my Dad and I one day enters my room, takes a look at something on my books shelf and begins to shake his head.

S___: “Oh, Geoff…Geoffrey, (disappointed sigh) I can’t believe your involving yourself with such… paganism.”

Since I had been out as a Pagan for a while and it was MY bookshelf I looked up at him confused.

Pax: “S____, you’re going to have to be a little more specific.  There’s actually a whole lot of Paganism on that bookshelf.  What is it you’re objecting to exactly?”

He proceeds to pick up a copy of the Book of Mormon, of all things, that I had gotten for free from some missionaries on campus at U.U.A. and was reading out of curiosity.  And give me a worried and ashamed look, as only a student of our Father’s could.

Pax: “There’s surprisingly little begetting, all things considered.”

~~~

Pax: “What’s wrong?”

Nightbird: “So at the property I work at there are these rent paying bottom feeders who think they’re Witches and have figured out that I’m one and now they think that we have some sort of special connection, and their apartment is a nasty…. Pax, I mean NASTY.  They keep complaining about how there’s something not right and bad vibes and I’m like ‘why don’t you try cleaning it?’ and they are all ‘well we tried burning some sage…’ yeah, sage… or something….and I’m ‘No, I mean cleaning, like with a vacuum and a mop and a shovel?  And try NOT having 7 people in a 2 bedroom apt….’ and they get all offended and scuttle off.”

Pas: (Gasps as the lighting of inspiration floods his warped mind) “Do all of the apartments have individual air ducts,.separate from each other?!”

Nightbird: (smiling curiously) “Yeah, why?”

Pax: (chuckling evilly) “Well, have maintenance go in while everyone’s out and put some strobe effect in some of the lights and a hidden camera and speakers and a fog machine.  The next time they are trying to be Witchy hit the strobe and the fog and have this scary ass voice coming at them from all directions ‘GEEEEHT OUUUUWT….’, better yet wait till they’ve ‘smudged’ to do it.”

Nightbird: (smiling delightedly and clapping her hands together in front of her like a delighted child on Christmas morning as the fierce fires of unholy glee glow within her eyes) “Our Head of Maintenance is an ex Theater Tech….this could work!   Pax I love you!”


Listen and Learn…

On By PaxIn everyday, Food for Thought, remembering, witchery2 Comments

There is NO knowledge that is not power.

Hey folks,

So Tuesday’s are tricky for me I usually end up waking up early in the day and remain awake until after I get home from work on Wednesday morning.  I usually try to sleep late or get a nap, but I made the mistake of catching up with one of my favorite Pagan podcasts, (sort of an online radio show for the non-geek savy out there…) The Wigglian Way.

This long-running Canadian produced Wiccan podcast has received numerous awards and is very highly regarded within the online Pagan community.  Hosts Mojo and Sparrow always bring honesty and excellence and humor to their show, which is a combination of discussion and music.  The last three episodes have featured interviews with Fritz Muntean and Louise Bunn.   Mr. Muntean and Ms. Bunn are Witches, Elders, and co-authors (with a Kara Cunningham) of a U.U. Adult RE Paganism Curriculum.

So, episode 63 and episode 64 feature a two-part interview with Fritz Muntean which covers the history of Neo-Paganism and large chunks of Witchcraft in North America.  There is also an extensive list of the books mentioned in this interview here...

Episode 65 is primarilly and interview with Ms. Bunn, relating to Witchcraft and Paganism 202 materials, and there is also a listing of books mentioned…

This series of shows reminded me of the excellent Pagan History website as well as the Pagans for Archeology group, as well as my favorite episode of Druidcast, episode 4 which features Professor R. Hutton discussing the history of the Pagan horned god.

It also inspired me to do some re-writing and editing over on the Suggested Reading page…

So basically it is going to be another very sleepy Wednesday morning for me…

Peace,

Pax

What Hecate Said…

On By PaxIn Brigid, Imbolc Poetry Blogging, remembering, Thanksgiving, The Goddess, witcheryLeave a comment

So Hecate, (no not Her, the only-slightly-less-awesome blogger of the same name) said some amazingly eloquent and wonderful words about, well, words; and in Honor of the Imbolc poetry slam shared her favorite copy of a particularly special poem.

I’ve shared a couple of favorites in years past, but as I am reminded by Hecate’s words, there is a poem without which I would not be here, either writing as a Witch, or even living.

There was a point in my life where I contemplated ending it, in the deep aftermath of my mothers death I went through a time of depression.  I was walking along a busy roadside and thought to myself

“I could just step off of the side-walk and into traffic and it would all be over….”

my very next thought was,

“…Well, I would have to deal with all of this again in my next lifetime… I may as well deal with it now…”

In all likelihood, I would not be alive today if it were not for the fact of my being a Witch.  One of the things that drew me to Witchcraft was the eloquence and beauty and power, that core feeling of rightness and an internal “Yes!” in response to a particular piece of invocational poetry.  So I owe my life, in part, to the same poem that Hecate lovingly referenced in her post, I love that poem too.

I too have a version I cherish and use myself, so inspired by Hecate, and with the deepest and most profound thanks to Doreen and the Lady for penning it; here is that version…

Charge of the Goddess

By Doreen Valiente

“Listen to the words of the Great Mother, who of Old was known amongst men as Artemis, Astarte, Athena, Isis, Cerridwen, Diana, Melusine, Brigid, Kwan-yin, Bast, and by many other names.”

“Whenever you have need of anything, once in the month, and better it be when the Moon is full, then shall you assemble in some sacred place and there adore the spirit of me, who is Queen of all Witcheries. There shall you assemble, and you who would learn all Magic, yet have not gained its deepest secrets, there will I teach you things yet unknown. You shall be free from Slavery; and in token that you are truly free you shall be naked in your rites.

Sing! Feast! Dance! Make music and Love all in my praise and presence. For mine is the Spirit of Ecstasy, and mine as well is joy on Earth, and Love Unto All Beings in My Law.

Keep pure your highest ideal; strive ever towards it; let nothing stop you or turn you aside.

For mine is the Secret Door that opens upon Youth; Mine is the Cup of the Wine of Life, that is the Cauldron of Cerridwen, that is the Holy Grail of Immortality. I am the Gracious Goddess who gives the Gift of Joy unto the Heart of humanity. Upon Earth, I give knowledge of the Spirit Eternal and beyond death; I give peace, freedom, and reunion with those who have gone before. Nor do I demand Sacrifice; for behold, I am the Mother of all things, and my love is poured forth across the worlds.”

“Now hear the words of the Star Goddess, the Dust of whose heels is the Host of Heaven and whose body encircles the Universe”

“I who am the beauty of the green earth, and the white moon among the stars, and the Mysteries of the Waters, and the Desire in all hearts, call unto your soul. Arise and come unto Me! For I am the Soul of Nature, who gives life to the Universe. From me all things proceed and unto me all things return; and before my face, beloved of Gods and Mortals, let your innermost self be enfolded in the ecstasy of the Divine!

Let my Worship be within the Heart that rejoices, for behold, All Acts of Love and Pleasure Are My Rituals.

Therefore let there be beauty and strength, power and compassion, honor and humility, and mirth and reverence within you. And you who think to seek me out, know that all your seeking and yearning shall be to no avail unless you shall know the mystery; that If That Which You Seek You Do Not Find Within, You Shall Surely Never Find It Without. For behold, I have been with you from the beginning; and I am that which is attained at the end of all desire.”

~compiled from various published versions, and with a few touches by Pax

As noted this is my version of The Charge, for the original text go here!

Peace, Poetry, and Blessings,

Pax

Rekindling my Sacred Fires

On By PaxIn Blame Sannion, Brigid, Community Building, Creativity, everyday, Food for Thought, Hellenic Polytheism, Imbolc, Imbolc Blogging, Meditation, Modern Pagan, My Florida Sabbats, Reinventing the Wheel, remembering, Unitarian Universalism, witcheryLeave a comment

As the annual Brighid Poetry Slam messages out there have probably already high-lighted for us, Imbolc-tide is upon us once more.  Depending on your individual faith or path as a Pagan, Imbolc or Oimelc can mean many different things.  Those meanings also change depending on matters of where you live and whether you celebrate as a Solitary Pagan or in a Group, and whether your Faith or Path even observes Imbolc or if it’s one of those Holidays that you sometimes go out to a community event for, simply for the Pagan fellowship, or to humor a friend; but for me it has come to be The Festival of Rekindling…

Growing up, and becoming a Witch, in Anchorage,Alaska early February was that time of year where you really started to see and appreciate the returning of the daylight.  In late February/Early March you also had the excitement of the approaching Fur Rendezvous, an annual Winter Carnival held in Anchorage.   So for the longest time Imbolc was a celebration of the returning light and of the first stirrings of the return of light and life and activity after the mad rush of celebrating the Beloved Living at Yule.

The last few years, though, I have had trouble figuring out what Imboc means to me.

Living in Florida the returning of the light is much less a dramatic or sought after turning of the Wheel, and it’s kind of difficult to get into its associations as celebrating the first signs/stirrings of spring when the citrus harvest is finishing up and the Strawberry harvest is on its way… part of my ongoing journey as I seek to truly understand this strange new sub-tropical world of mine.

Imbolc meaning “In the Belly”; Oimelc meaning “ewe’s milk.  Birth, beginnings, creativity, and renewal… those begin to feel closer to the truth of this Sabbat for me.   Though I don’t have much,  except that of a 1/4 Irish lineage, of a relationship with Brigid whose festival Imbolc is widely honored as, She is the Goddess of Sacred Fires and Sacred Springs.  Smithcraft, Arts and Crafts, Poetry, Spirituality, and Healing, Nurturing, Hearthcraft.

These feel, in that deep part of my soul that is touched by the sacred, like the right track…

So before I went to bed this morning (one of the many hazards of an overnight job…) I turned off the computer and the phone, I lit a stick of incense and before I blew out the flame used that stick to light a candle.  I sat holding the candle-glass cupped gently in my hands and meditated a bit.  I sought, not silence really, but clarity.  I let my mind wander over the last few days…

I thought about the New member’s potluck at First Unitarian, how enjoyable it was even though I am clumsy at best at social mixers with large groups of people.  I thought about meeting my sponsor/mentor Mary and talking with here about things around church.  My mind turned to the words of the Chalice lighting  we use at our U.U. Church…

“In the Light of Truth,

In the Warmth of Love,

We gather to seek, to sustain, and to share.”

(and for those of you who are thinking “isn’t the Chalice a tool of water?!” Yes, it is, but there’s more than one way to wield a symbol and a tool!   Here is a link about the Unitarian and Unitarian Universalist flaming Chalice)

My mind also thought about how very, very much I enjoyed cooking my variation of Mom’s Classic Greenbeans (a Stewart family Holiday classic!)  for the Potluck; and how eager I was to volunteer to help my mentor Mary by volunteering to put together a Jambalaya for the New Orleans themed coffee hour…

I really do love to cook and it feels good to be able to use the skills and knowledge of years of work and study, and my recent schooling, in a productive way.  I actually see a lot of my future work in Community Building in the Pagan Community as a way to take those experiences and skills and offer them in Service to others… fundraisers and social events of all sorts!

I am really a hearth-Witch at heart I think, not necessarily limited to my own home; more that I am deeply drawn to and my gifts seem to lay in matters of Hearth and Community building.

Thoughts of the Hearth transition my thoughts from my Witchcraft to my Hellenic Polytheism and naturyally bring to mind Hestia.  She who IS the Hearth, and the Hearth Fire, the Sacred light giving, nurturuing, nourishing fire in our homes and lives.  Given this long present, but not entirely acknowledged or understood grounding I have in matters of the Hearth,  I need to find a way to honor Her especially as I seek to Honor the Theoi Ktesioi, the Gods of the Home,  in the coming year on the Noumenia and in my life.

THE THEOI KTESIOI were the gods of house and home. They were led by Zeus protector of the home (Ctesius) and of the family courtyard (Hicesius) along with Hestia, the goddess of the hearth. Hecate and Hermes were also important household gods who protected the gates and entranceways. -from an entry at Theoi.com

Chronologically, my thoughts carried me to the next day and back to thoughts of Witchcraft.   Waking up early at 3pm and performing my first, full and formal Witches Circle in…. well, in ages.  I remember how wonderful it felt to finally and formally welcome them into my live and works and to share with the Guardians of the Watchtowers in the Blessings of the Lady and Lord.  I had not realized how much I missed the immediacy and intimacy of my connection and communion with Them in a full Circle.

Then after Circle there was the mad rush of shopping for and prepping the ingredients for the Jambalaya, then work from 11pm-7am, then rushing home to actually cook the blessed dish, then off to Church to help with the coffee hour and to act as a Greeter.

My thoughts ranged over how much I am enjoying being involved in a community once more, and how eager I am to use my talents, experience, and education in service to that community.  Not only First Unitarian, but also the Mystic Grove, which is the Pagan/Heathen Affinity Group at the Church.  I am in that tricky stage of getting involved, but trying to not over commit myself or over extend myself… very tough to do for me, and from some of the conversations I’ve had with others at the Church I would guess U.U.’s in general.  This congregation, at least, seems to have a lot of that ‘somebody should do something about this’ energy that is so familiar to me…

I had to laugh to myself when someone described a Unitarian Universalist congregation like “herding cats”, how many times had I heard that phrase used to describe Pagan community… many!

I also, oddly enough, thought of the new involvement I have with a table-top role-playing group, getting my geek on and making new friends and reveling in the creativity and imagination of this cherished and long neglected hobby….

So for me the Festival of Rekindling is a time renew and recommit to those things that nurture the self and nurture and reconnect us to the wider world.  To take pleasure in our creativity, to explore and contemplate our new beginnings or what we might begin as the Wheel turns.  To celebrate the return to life and activity after the period of rest after the Winter Holidays.

As I breathed in my meditations by the light of that candle’s flame, focusing ever so slightly on the out-breath, I imagined breathing onto a charcoal or onto kindling, nurturing the fire with my breath to bring it to fullness and life…

Then after some Still and Sillent meditation, I blew out the candle, and welcomed the light of dawn.

“we extinguish the flame,

But not the light of truth,

The warmth of community,

Or the fire of commitment,

These we carry in our hearts until we are together again.”

May your Hearth and Home be blessed,

May you have food and clothing to warm your body,

May you have good friends to share your blessings with to warm your heart and soul,

May you find beauty and inspiration and creativity in your journey,

Blessed be!

And, as always,

Peace,

Pax

Northern Skies…

On By PaxIn remembering, YuleLeave a comment

Hello dear friends and fellow Pagani!!

So a friend sent me a link to this lovely time-lapse video of Dec. 28th, and the path of the sun through the edges of the sky a week after the Solstice in Fairbanks, Ak.  Which is around 400 road miles North of my hometown of Anchorage…. this gives a good idea of why I tend to use the Solstice as my personal spiritual new years… hard not to relate to the “Lesser” Sabbats in some country.

Peace,

Pax

Notes on the Journey 11/02/09

On By PaxIn Blame Sannion, Chrysalis, everyday, rememberingLeave a comment

It’s a New Year.

At least in some Trads and for some Pagans…  The whole Samhain as the Celtic New Year seems to be wavering out of fashion right now, although it comes and goes in popularity, or so it seems.

So it’s a new year time to scry the mirrors of my contemplation, re-read my blog posts to date, and think about my life and spiritual journey.  Where have I been and where am I going?  Samhain has always been a sort of turning point for me in terms of turning from activity out in the world to a more introspective time focused on myself and family.

I had set up an Samhain altar, and remembered and though about the Ancestors and Beloved and Honored Dead and the turning of the Wheel, and all that jazz.  Despite wanting to pick up my Religious practices as a Witch, one whose path and practice have been largely influenced by Wiccan writers and ideas, and despite my love of the Goddess and God, and my desire to reconnect with Them; I was feeling the need to explore other Witcheries than the Seasonal Mysteries or Connection with the Beloved and Honored’s, or the Lord and Lady of the Neo-Wicca.

Lately the Magic and Witchery that has called to the deepest parts of me has been reconnecting with me, myself, and I.

Partly this is the result of reading and contemplating T. Thorn Coyles Kissing the Limitless.  In reading, and doing the journaling and magickal exercises in that book I have begun to not only gain some much needed understanding of self… not just an awareness of my issues and habits and the many aspects of myself that have often times struggled within me and led me astray over the years, but perspective on them, and ways to engage with and deal with and accept and bless them and move on with the living of my life.

I really wish I could have found this sort of wisdom and these sorts of teachings within Witchcraft a long time ago; although admittedly had I found a Coven, I might have.  It’s possible that that was not meant to be a part of my Journey as a Witch in this lifetime.  I accept that, after all when I chose Witchcraft, and started walking this Wicca inspired road, I gave myself to the Goddess and God and asked them to guide me and to help me find the Mysteries and Teachers.  In many ways I think they have, Not that it’s been a quick or easy road, but They have guided me on my journey.

I have also realized that the Neo-Pagan Religious Withccraft stream popularly called Wicca is only one part of my personal journey both as a Witch and as a Pagan. My few years of steady observation of the Moons and Sabbats gave way to less and less practice and observance… still heartfelt faith and a love of the Goddess and God and a deep sense of my own Pagan self, but not much Witchyness for some years.  I reached a plateau.  At the time I figured it was the lack of Covens and the Lack of local Community that was my big stumbling block… and that is what if felt like… like if I could just find the right something I’d be alright and back on track.  This is where a lot of my passion for Pagan community comes from I think.

That led me into some detailed study of Ceremonial Magic/Magick.  Not very much practice though because I didn’t have an income to support that habit!  From Ceremonial Magick I wandered over into the Kabbalah, at least long enough and deep enough to realize that I was not ready for that work on either a personal level, or in terms of making a time commitment to it.  Then I floundered for a few years, and thought I had hit rock bottom when I lost a retail job and was unemployed for a few months… at the same time I was meeting the Ex who would later help me take rock bottom to new lows, I got back involved in the local community.

I moved across the country, not finding any immediate contacts in the local Oralando community, I started this blog and got an A.S. degree in Restaurant and Hospitality Management.  I did some growing up and learning and opened a place in my heart and life for Hecate and Dionysus and for the Theoi and Hellenic Polytheism.   Now I find myself learning about a new stream of Witchcraft from the Feri Tradition.

I am no more a Feri Witch than I am a Wiccan (as is an initiate of one of the Traditions originating in the New Forrest region of Great Britain), I am simply a solitary Witch trying to unscrew the inscrutable.

I am learning a lot about myself and my patterns, and more importantly I am finding guideposts as to how to create new and healthier patterns.