Day 18 of ? of meditation & blogging!

12 minutes 55 seconds

Friends,

Today’s session was much less frustrating than yesterday. I tried adding a new wrinkle and was not trying as hard for peace and timelessness and was more simply accepting the journey of today’s practice, so of course timelessness and peace showed up for a bit!

I woke up having had a very good nights sleep, made my way to the kitchen and got my preferred beverages sorted out, opened YouTube for my music selection, and then I faffed about the internet for a while. The ADHD is strong in this one, sometimes, and today was no exception. Finally I settled into place cued up my background music and my phone timer and began without any preliminary breathing this time.

The rhythm of my breathing came to me like the embrace of a dear friend, the relaxed and even breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth, taking note of the air’s path though my body and the sensations of it. Thoughts were bubbling up in my mind seemingly before I even had a chance to really focus on the background music. I gently pushed on. Acknowledging the effervescent simmer of thoughts as I turned my focus and attention to the music and maintained the rhythm of my breath. This helped somewhat but while my thoughts calmed down a little they were still bubbling up. I chuckled to myself briefly and continued. Sometimes meditation is like that and we just have to keep showing up. The thoughts quieted a little bit more, and I felt a hint of timelessness and inner peace and quiet. In a moment of amusement I both the concept of mantras (here and here), and the personal mantra of a late dear friend “it is what it is”; in the aftermath of the end of a bad marriage my friend had found herself driving to the shore and simply watching the ocean and thinking of that phrase over and over. As thoughts came I noted them as thoughts and mentally repeated “it is what it is” and returned awareness to the music and my breath.

It was a bit like some sort of mental or emotional balancing act but I found myself holding in my attention the background music, my breathing, and the mentally repeated phrase “it is what it is”. Sometimes all at once, then allowing my awareness of the phrase and/or the music to fade as I turned further inward. If thoughts did start streaming back in I would note them as thoughts and mentally repeat the phrase again, sometimes focusing on the music as well and sometimes just repeating the phrase a few times.

Finally, for an unknown stretch of time, there was just my breath and awareness of it. The timer chirped, and I shut it off and continued for a short time more.

So… was that actually a mindfulness meditation? I mean, I was doing a lot of mental gymnastics in todays session, right?! Part of ADHD that makes it a challenge is its unpredictability. At times I am focused on something like a weaponized laser over which I have little to no control of the aiming mechanism. At other times I am, to judge by the reactions of my neurotypical friends and family, STARTLINGLY aware of everything going on in the environment around me. There are also times where my brain seems to be processing multiple streams of thought at the same time. Understanding these aspects of my diagnosis is an important step in how I engage in and with any meditation practice, but especially mindfulness.

Mindfulness is a tricky practice. We are trying to ’empty our minds of thoughts’ and simply focus on something. Even a neurotypical brain is an organic thinking, observing, and feeling machine. Different techniques are going to work better for different folks and at the same time different types of meditation and mindfulness meditation are going to work or not work for folks depending on how their thought and emotional processes work!

One could journal, or have a good sit down with a trusted friend asking them questions about what they have observed about how we think and patterns they may have noticed, or even engage in a small dose of counseling or therapy if available. A small dose of self-awareness and understanding ourselves while not falling into the traps of self-judgement and any negative inner scripts we have developed about ourselves over the years can go a long way towards our happiness and mental and emotional health, calm, and stability.

I hope this helps you in your own journey and would love to hear your thoughts!

Bliss & Blessed Be,
Pax / Geoffrey