Month: May 2024

ADHD and Mindfulness

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Day 9 of ? of meditation & blogging!

Friends,

8 minutes 58 Seconds.

Today’s sessions went smoothly. Tracing the breaths through my body came with a practiced ease as did my breathing. In through the nose and down into the depths of my lungs and out through my mouth at an even pace. Thoughts were shooed away with relative ease. Once again I was able to acknowledge and release any random thoughts that came and return to my breathing. Time seemed to drift away and when I felt that urge to pup up and be done I resisted it a few times. Finally I opened my eyes, feeling refreshed and peaceful. Once again today my time was shorter than my previous average. Which is….interesting… but not necessarily disappointing this time.

In yesterday’s entry in the project I had mentioned being disappointed that my seated time had dropped rather than increased. The solution to my concerns around my meditation time, even though todays time is technically longer, is to set a (say 10 minute) timer and try to hold myself to that time for a few days and see what happens. There is some background and unpacking around it that I want to contemplate in today’s writing.

The last time I had started attempting daily meditation the same thing started happening. Then life and work interrupted my ability to meditate for a few days and I let the practice drift off much like thoughts shooed away while one traces ones breath when seeking mindfulness. The thing is being blessed with ADHD, and perhaps a lot less perspective on myself at the time, I started overthinking it and also let a lot of those inner scripts of self0defeating ideas of myself started working upon me yet again. I let the practice lapse that time because some part of me kept telling me I was not worth the effort and that my ADHD made me incapable and less than.

I regularly describe my ADHD as a blessing. This is because it is something I wrestle with day in and day out. I have often led a successful and full life despite my ADHD. People hear about ADHD and think it means people with it cannot focus. The truth is often the exact opposite. People with ADHD can focus with the intensity of a laser beam, the trick is that we sometimes have little to no control over the aiming mechanism. There is no predicting what might suddenly engage the mind of someone blessed with this challenging condition. Then too is the fact that sometimes we are in a state of intense mental activity which I have likened to one of those videos where someone is mashing together several songs and the program they use has multiple lines for each audio clip and they are all running on different levels with different parts of the overall mash up. This can be challenging and challenges can be blessings if we accept them and work with, over, around, and through them.

The other thing is that folks with ADHD have had a lot of hurt and difficulty over the years of their life related to their ADHD. Blurting something out in the wrong moment, forgetting a pending bill and spending on something else, forgetting to complete a household chore, any number of things that a neurotypical person might say to themselves “everyone does that…”. The thing is folks with ADHD are prone to do those sort of things *often*. This, and other parts of the ADHD experience, can cause a lot of problems in our relationships with others.

“Why don’t you care about…” we do care. “Why are you so irresponsible?” We are not, we were distracted with something else and are willing to try doing better. “I told you….” we literally did not hear you say it because we were hyper-focused on something else entirely when you spoke. “Are you stupid…” no.

The really horrible thing is that because we do not always in charge what ideas or thoughts or memories are running through our heads on repeat are, that those sort of interactions can stay with us for years. It doesn’t help that people with ADHD can also experience sometimes raping mood or emotional changes, highs and lows that not only don’t serve us in the moment in a difficult conversation but that also leave us questioning ourselves over and over why or if we are uncaring or irresponsible or stupid. ADHD folks can build up a lot of emotional complexes around these issues and sometimes the slightest question or well meant observation or mild critique can send us emotionally and menially spiraling as our mind starts to replay every instance of actually harsh comments and moment of self-doubt or hurt feelings from our lifetime. (It’s called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria by the way…)

I suspect that a lot of the above is why SO MANY folks with ADHD that I have interacted with within the Witchcraft and Pagan communities will say “Oh, I can’t meditate I’ve tried…”. Perhaps, perhaps not, or perhaps you’ve had some misinformed ideas of what mindfulness meditation is and what it can teach someone?

Yesterday I was disappointed by the shortness of the session and we’ve discussed today some of the background on why I was disappointed. Now let’s look at what I did with that disappointment and the many things bottle up inside that emotional reaction. I took a moment to acknowledge my disappointment, I released it, and I went on about my day. There were a couple of other times yesterday where someone made a comment that triggered me somehow, for example, that I found myself doing the same thing. Mindfulness meditation is a practice that requires practice. It can help us find greater peace. It can teach us to have much better control over our thoughts and emotions and focus. Taking the thought or feeling, acknowledging it, and then letting it go and focusing on the current moment or situation and not the mental and emotional supernova that is going on inside us; this is one of the lessons that mindfulness meditation can bring.

*looks at time*

“?!”

And… in this moment, I need to sign off and get ready for work! If you you enjoyed this post or are enjoying the series, please feel free to sound off in the comments!

Bliss & Blessed Be,
Pax / Geoffrey

A brief Delightful Sit Down

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Day 8 of ? of meditation & blogging!

Friends,

7 minutes 57 Seconds

I slept late today, having been told to not come into work today because of the exceptionally low volume of check ins at the hotel. Something that has been happening FAR to often for my liking the last few weeks. Luckily I have a small financial cushion so I can afford to take this extra time off as a temporary blessing. It is still vexing though.

I readied my coffee and some water and an iced beverage, surfed the web a bit, and then when I was ready I cued up some music and closed my eyes and began. The rhythm of my breathing came easily today, in through the nose, out through the mouth, tracing the path of the air through my body, the swelling and shrinking of my belly, the rise and fall of my chest and shoulders, the gentle repositioning of my body as needed. Even the reaching for and taking a sip of whichever beverage with my eyes still closed and keeping my eyes closed and one minds eye on my breathing flowed naturally. Thoughts and imaginings came and were acknowledged and allowed to drift away. I was able to sink into my body and breathing. All of these seemed to come with relative ease today.

As always seems to happen when I am engaging in mindfulness meditation time seemed to lose it’s meaning in the tracing of breath and the sinking into a place of peace. There were a couple of times where I felt the almost toaster-like urge to pup up and get back into my everyday but I resisted that urge to continue for a little longer in my inner dance of mind and breath and self and selflessness. So when I DID open my eyes to rejoin the world I was a bit surprised at that “7:57” on the timer.

Surprised and briefly disappointed. Common sense swiftly reasserted itself and instinctively I took that reaction, acknowledged it, and released it. I am not in some sort of endurance race. I am seeking and seeking to protect my peace in an all too troubled world. It is, what it is and sometimes when you are done, you’re done. For today, at least.

Or, perhaps not. After all I can return to a mindfulness meditation, or another form, later today as needed. For now though I will wish you well and as always invite your questions and comments in the comments section down below.

Bliss & Blessed Be,
Pax/Geoffrey

Notes Upon The Journey: May 29th 2024

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5/29/2024 Wednesday Day of Mercury
10:15pm Hour of Mercury cusping towards The Hour of The Moon
Waning Gibbous Moon

Friends,

The Sun has set for the day. The Moon has hidden itself somewhere low in the seemingly cloudless night. The humidity is low and the night air is cooling from the heat of the day so even though it’s still quite warm if feels relatively cool. There is the slightest of breezes causing some of the treetops to sway slightly. The distant noise of traffic blending together and sounding rather like a river running in the distance, until it is punctuated by a horn or someone speeding and gunning the engine, or a plane or train somewhere in the darkness. The ground frogs are quiet and for now you can hear the faint almost electrical sounding humming/chirping of the free frogs somewhere in the distance.

A peaceful dare I say almost meditative calm settling over the world as Night deepens towards the Witching Hours. For myself the time between Midnight and 3am, each of them the classical folkloric Witching Hour depending upon whom you ask, are a time of magick, of power, of potential.

My recent spiritual rekindling has not happened entirely in a vacuum. The daily meditation and accompanying blogging have been a catalyst in this alchemical change going on within me, or perhaps the turning of a skeleton key sitting in an old lock as one begins to open a door? Whatever metaphor you like this renewed burst of writing and creativity, this reconnection with my deeper and higher selves has not happened all at once there has been a lot going into it. I was originally going to clumsily swing topics into some updates about my life based on my last brief check in.

However, I found myself wondering about that check in format I used. I’m not sure why I didn’t feel somehow up to the task of writing a Notes on the Journey post that day? It would have been a Sunday and I do usually work on those days… perhaps I was feeling somehow short on time that day? Was I feeling too vulnerable somehow? Or perhaps my sometimes fierce and frequently present inner critic was whispering in my ear? Whatever it was, I needed to review my that last check in because I recalled handing out some outlines of my then pending medical adventures, now since completed and in the spirit of blogging worthy of mention. However review led to introspection which led to a retrospective of sorts as I read through the entries I’ve made here since January of this year.

I am finding it somehow heartening and encouraging how much I have actually posted so far this year, even if it has been a few entries a month. That’s far more than I managed last year which I had started with grand intentions and pronouncements… heck, it’s more than I managed for some years there! So far 2024 has been a year of reconnecting with myself and with many of my friends and loved ones all over the world in one way or another. I can honestly and with deep happiness say that I have been on a journey of healing and reconnection and growth this year.

Some of that healing has been physical or at least related to my body. I have written in the past about the importance of being careful with ones mental diet in this digital age of social media and the firehose of information and propaganda and opinion flowing through it. I have been better this year on that score. I have also, in the aftermath of my last doctors visit and its accompanying diagnosis of being prediabetic, been trying to be at least as carful about what I am eating. My weight had grown considerably in the last 6 months or so at my old job… I put on between 60 to 70 pounds from stress and despair and was chain smoking throughout; that combined with my age meant that the twin diagnoses of Sleep Apnea and the need for a Colonoscopy were not entirely unexpected.

Starting first with the sleep study… This was my second sleep study. The first was an in home test that indicated sleep apnea strongly enough the doctor wanted me to get a lab based sleep study. This was a titration study where they fit you for a CPAP machine mask and hook you up to sensors and have you sleep for a night in their lab hooked up to a specialized CPAP that adjusts itself to different levels while you are monitored. I found this event interesting because while I have never been someone who remembered my dreams, or remembered the fact that I had had dreams, I can DEFINATELY say I was dreaming most of that night even if the topics are gone into the ether. I even remembered having very vivid dreams the next night as well. I now need to schedule with a pulmonologist… which is the next step and I believe that’s when I will get prescribed a CPAP machine.

Now from that mask on my mouth let us slide on down the digestive system to that business at the other end and my coloscopy. The medications to clean me out were reasonably gentle and the clear liquids the day before were surprisingly bearable! Like I wouldn’t dream of doing a liquid diet for multiple days but I can now understand the benefit of the occasional 1 day juice cleanse, although I’d probably allow for clear foods like Jello in the mix with the juices. As for the following days procedure… well honestly I don’t remember a bit of it! I went into the clinic, wearing the delightful and to my sense of humor appropriate shirt I mentioned, they wheeled me into the procedure room and put some Propofol into my IV and seemingly moments later I was back in the read and recovery area waking from a very deep slumber. I have joked with friends, much like I did after my dental surgery a couple years ago, that perhaps there should be one day a year where one can be prescribed something to just knock one the hell out on a deep and healing level for at least a few hours! (Yes, I know. But I have warned folks about my warped sense of humor) No lasting discomfort and The Fabulous Jonathon and I went out to a hearty breakfast afterward. I will be reviewing my results with my doctor next week.

So now we have reached the metaphorical and literal end of tonight’s notes. As I have written and taken a couple of breaks here and there the crossroads of night have come and gone and we are now firmly within The Witching Hours.

I hope your own journeys are filled with healing and growth and peace and happiness.

Bliss & Blessed Be,
Pax / Geoffrey

Featured

Note on the Current Series

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(Pinned Blog Post)

Friends,

So I have a new series of blog posts!

It started as a spur of the moment experiment and has become a series and a daily practice and what feels like a strong rekindling of a lot of parts of myself.

I am practicing daily meditation and daily blogging… the blogging focused around the meditation experience but with some other observations thrown in. It has definitely been a reawakening of my enjoyment and skills around writing and I am interested to see where this leads! I am not sure how long this run of daily posting will last, which is why they are labeled some format of ” # of ___”. I am not holding myself to 30 days simply because if something happens and I am not able to complete that goal I do not wish to fall into negative self talk or defeatism.

If I DO reach 30 days I will continue to meditate and journal about it privately, and post a 30 day wrap up of the current project or misadventure. If this project ends earlier than that for some reason then I will still post a wrap up of the series.

You can find the first entry in this series (here) if you are so moved and thank you for joining me on this journey!

Bliss & Blessed Be,
Pax / Geoffrey

Week One & Just Begun

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Day 7 of ? of meditation & blogging!

Friends,

10 minutes 22 seconds.

Today was my first real challenge to the morning routine of our current project. I had fasting blood work first thing in the morning in advance of medical appointments next week. I got up, showered, sipped a little water and took my morning medications and headed directly out the door. Luckily, the lab has a location fairly close to me so it was a short drive to have them draw my blood, then it was off to a corner store for some MUCH needed caffeine and breakfast. Back to the house and after a few minutes of setting up water and iced coffee and music, I settled into meditation.

This morning I had relatively little trouble focusing on my breathing and tracing the path my breath took through my body. Inspiration in through the nose and down my throat into my lungs, savoring the sensation of the air at the back of my throat as if I were drinking in the sustaining breath. Down deep into my lungs. First expanding my belly, then the rising of my chest and shoulders as I filled my lungs until I could feel the fullness of them teasing at the base of my throat. Then, after a first few gusty breaths, slowly out through my mouth lowering my shoulders and then chest, then contracting my belly until it was time to breathe in once more.

I kept wanting to breath entirely with my belly first and foremost, the upper parts of the lungs and chest were just sort of along for the ride at times. I need to do some more breathwork and perhaps do some practice focused breathing sessions to get more comfortable with using my entire lungs and all the parts of my body? Where there was tension in my body it was not difficult to reposition myself, to gently move or take a moment to breath into my tension and within the space of a few breaths relax it. It was fairly easy to note the random thoughts popping up with the thought of the word “thinking” and letting them drift off.

Today’s biggest challenge was that as soon as my breath had found its rhythm and I had shooed away my thoughts, as soon as I started to be within a place of peace, I found myself wanting to pop back up out of it and back on out into the everyday like a piece of bread popping up out of the toaster?! I was able to acknowledge and release that urge a few times but I did notice that when I ended today’s session the transition back into the everyday was a quick one. It is entirely possible that my sometimes mixed blessing of ADHD makes my brain crave a certain base level of chaos and stimulation at all times, or perhaps find discomfort in a place of internal peace? On the other hand it could be my eagerness to be writing, having finally begun to find my flow and rhythm in the writing process after so long struggling to find it again. Whatever it is I know I want to work through it. Perhaps some book journaling around it and some additional meditation sessions will help me smooth out this newfound wrinkle in my daily practice?

One wants to be careful to avoid too much meditation as meditation sickness is a thing. There are two main types referenced in the literature of both Psychology and Buddhism, primarily (from what I have found so far) revolving around mindfulness meditation. The first revolves around an excessive difficulty in quieting the mind and settling into a meditation practice. The second is associated with excessive meditation, which can result in mental and emotional breakdowns and psychosis. Psychologists are just becoming acquainted with this phenomenon, where as there are apparently Buddhist texts dating back hundreds of years or more that note the phenomenon, and the term Meditation Sickness is itself a direct translation…. I think from Tibetan but I could be misremembering the reference. The good news is that the second sort of sickness seems to be associated mainly with hours and hours of meditation, and that the consensus of Psychologists is currently that 30 minutes or so a day is a healthy level.

Any further experimentation with meditation and journaling for today will have to wait until later, as it is time for me to start getting ready to meet up with some friends for a late lunch and socializing. It’s funny, I started this meditative misadventure with a spur of the moment desire to try doing something to rekindle my creative self. It has certainly succeeded in that. It has also reawakened several other parts of my head and heart, genuine desire for more physical and social activity for example; or perhaps spurred action on the desire that has been there for a while yet seemed somehow out of reach before?

Whichever it is, I need to sign off. Before I go I’d like to encourage you to share your questions and observations and experiences with writing or meditation or any other observations you may have in the comments below. Thank you for traveling along with me on this journey!

Bliss & Blessed Be,
Pax / Geoffrey

Meditations on the Current Project

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Day 6 of ? of meditation & blogging!

Friends,

11 minutes & 18 seconds.

So this morning I experimented with some random explorations of the internet and my social, letting my ADHD brain get out it’s zoomies, before settling into this mornings meditation. Which is how I found this performance of Phantom of The Opera by the Metal band Nightwish that is worth a listen! While *epic* I didn’t think the Nightwish song would be the right vibe to meditate to so I poked around YouTube and found seven more ambient or background music tracks/videos on YouTube to add to my meditation playlist over there, including today’s musical selection. I also like longer instrumental pieces for the background of my current meditation streak… practice? When does a run become a regular practice? I guess I am still feeling somehow unofficial about this process as of yet.

Anyhow, after yesterday’s meditation and blogging session The Fabulous Jonathan and I were able to go over to a friends house for an small impromptu cook-out and pool party and splash about and eat and have some good conversations with some dear friends we do not see often enough. The swimming and the large meal left me physically very tired yet the conversation left me mentally wired. So last night while browsing the Tube of You’s I was adding some more music tracks to the meditation playlist and I spent some time meditating to one of them. This was partly because I needed to settle my self and my mind in the moment, and also because in the previous couple of sessions one of the thoughts that kept knocking on the doors of my perception were around the idea of using different music to meditate to. I rather suspect that part of this is my ADHD talking but I have found that a variety of musical background satisfies something in my brain as to prevent overthinking.

Returning to the relatively recent now; inspired in part by yesterday’s observations on perseverance and practice, I felt more comfortable in today’s practice with letting random thoughts come up and then acknowledging them and returning to a focus on my breathing and breaths and the paths they took within my body and the assorted sensations and movements… right up to the point where this focus or awareness led into overthinking about different aspect of my positioning or breathing… then I simply took a breath and begun again!

It occurs to me that in this current experiment of daily meditation and blogging about it, that the blogging and writing are their own meditation practice. Meditation can be about emptying the mind of conscious thought, OR about filling it to the brim with thoughts around a specific idea or topic. The range of ideas encompassed by “meditation” is actually fairly broad. I don’t think that one has to journal or write about ones meditation practice to successfully practice meditation but there’s no denying that the journaling/blogging process has led to it’s own revelations and new understandings.

The last few days have definitely reinvigorated my creative self. Especially in terms of my comfort levels with the actual process of writing and writing from the heart. I have tentatively moved forward in a lot of creative endeavors that have been percolating in my desires for a while now. I’ve also been inspired to take up my poetic writing again and had some breakthroughs on a couple of writing projects I’ve been trying to get started for a while now. My mood and attitude are improved. My hair is fuller and my teeth are whiter… ok, maybe not that last part… *grins*

Overall I think this has been a very successful experiment so far and I am looking forward to continuing with this for as long a run as I can manage! Despite by being inspired by a “30 Days of ____” video, and having decided that if I reach 30 days I will continue with some form of daily meditation practice but stop the daily blogging about/related to it. Whenever this streak ends I do want to post a final wrap up though. At the same time I am not trying to open space in my mind or in this project for a situation where if I am not able to complete a set number of days that I start thinking of this project or of myself as having failed or messed up somehow. I’ve had more than enough negative self-talk and mental scripts in one lifetime, thank you!

Have you tried meditation? Did you journal about it, or about any other regular spiritual practice? Do you have any suggestions or questions? Sound off in the comments bellow, and have a beautiful day folks!

Bliss & Blessed Be,
Pax / Geoffrey

Practices and perseverance

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Day 5 of __ of the running streak of meditation and blogging!


Friends,

7 minutes and 50 seconds this morning.

Last night I had a bad night for insomnia. I awoke today with only around 4 to 5 hours of sleep. I woke up sore and in a sour mood and only slightly more awake than when I finally collapsed into bed last night. The time I spent in this mornings meditation seemed to crawl by, the exact opposite of recent days where I would open my eyes and be surprised at the time that had passed. From the first moments of closing my eyes I had trouble even finding any sort of rhythm for my breath, and thoughts ran riot through my head. At times thoughts were pelting my consciousness and splattering against my awareness like raindrops against a windshield during a thunderstorm. Not that there were not a few moments where everything clicked into place and body and awareness and mind and breath were suddenly in sync like some sort of clockwork engine of enlightenment, but the engine kept sputtering out for a lack of proper maintenance or fuel!

One of those fuels is of course, sleep. Insomnia is a longtime companion on my life’s journey. Last night was a festival of regret and spiraling thoughts and feelings focused largely around a notebook and the recently rediscovered dreams of my youth.

As a regular reader may have noticed I sometimes delight in words and language and the complexity and possibilities of the english language and the written word. Writing both prose and poetry have always been a part of my journey; whether I was practicing them or pushing them down the road for later. I wrote (and read) so much as a kid! In my teens and twenties I poured through all those old writings and papers and got rid of a lot of stuff. I kept a number of poems especially that spoke deeply to my self and my experience in a large 5 ring purple spiral bound notebook. I had brought it with me to Florida, taking pride of place with important papers in the backpack I carried with me on the plane when I moved across the continent. Through several moves I had it floating around. Even as I had let go of that part of myself for a while after the move and the many changes that came along in those years it was a treasured object and a sort of spiritual hope chest that I knew I would someday return to.

I cannot remember the reason for the tumult and despair, but at one of the lower points in my life I gave up on the dreams of being published or of sharing those words with a wider world somehow. I threw it away. A moment of despair and dramatics where I tossed it into the garbage. Now, I am rediscovering that spark of spirit and inspiration within myself. The memories and emotions from years past fluttering at the edge of memory and I wish I had those words once more! I’ve been able to recover a few pieces from places where I had posted them; I’ve also reached out to friends and acquaintances from years ago in the hopes that they might still have copies.

So last nights insomnia was fueled, in part, by regret. I looked again through the bookshelves, hoping once more that I am misremembering throwing the notebook away and that I rescued it and simply misplaced it. I did not find it in my searching, again. In the darkness and stillness of the house it occurred to me that regret is like a night bird taping against the windows of ones soul… The order of the words and images in that thought and phrase shifted and flapped about in my brain. So finally I sat down and wrote them out. I am not ready to share the work with anyone yet, it is still in its rough draft form and not polished. but I will be at some point.

Rekindling ones spirit, like meditation, is a process. Meditation, like writing, is a practice. After last nights hopeful, and finally restful, resolution I had hoped for a bit better results from my morning meditations. The thing with meditation though is that sometimes we are struggling with ourselves and our pasts and our natural human tendency to think and to weave together stories and ten thousand other things waiting for our brain to give us a cookie; sometimes we are sitting in the palms of the Gods.

What creative acts feed your soul? What pathways have you found out of regret and despair? What have you tried?

Bliss and Blessed Be,
Pax / Geoffrey

Learning to Settle Down

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Day 4 of ? of the blogging and meditation run!

Friends,

11 minutes and 30 seconds!

Today I woke up, got my coffee and water and fired up the computer. I opened YouTube for the current meditation track I am using. Fussed with it to get past the advertisement and to the beginning of the video and then I pressed pause. I was simply not ready to settle into the experience…

After my alarm I had laid back down and slept for a couple more hours. “Luckily” I woke to yet another message that (once again) due to this years especially slow lull between the Spring and Summer travel seasons, I did not need to come into work today. This has been happening a lot in the last few weeks and I believe, having checked the reservations for today while at work yesterday, it is one of the factors that played into last nights insomnia. Insomnia is an old companion in my life journey and not uncommon for those of us with ADHD.

Speaking of yesterday, after my short and relatively unsuccessful meditation, the rest of the day I felt uneven and scattered emotionally and mentally. Especially compared to the previous day, the first of our current running streak of daily meditation where I was out and about in the world; I had felt focused and at peace and I even tried engaging in dropped and open attention at a few points during the day as well as adding in a little extra walking at work!

But let’s take a breath and return to the present, or at least the recent present…

Before starting todays session I had the realization that I was not really ready to meditate. I was still waking up, feeling achy and out of sort from the insomnia. I sipped some coffee and bopped through a few minutes each on Mastodon, Threads, and BlueSky; long enough to find a couple interesting articles and posts and sip some more water and coffee. I also browsed a few online articles about ADHD and Meditation for some tips and ideas. Then when I was awake enough mentally if not entirely physically, having allowed my ADHD blessed brain some time on the Monkey bars of the Internet, I refilled the coffee and water and added a big icy cup of diet soda and I sat down took a breath and pressed play.

It took a little bit more effort that the first couple of days. Somehow it was much easier to observe I was thinking, mentally note that fact by thinking the words “Thoughts” or “Thinking” return my focus to my breath, and settle deeper into a place of quiet. My breathing was steady and even, I didn’t feel the need to do any counted breaths to gently shoo away any stray thoughts. When I needed to sip something cold or warm I was able to keep my eyes closed and gently reach over to the relevant cup on the writing table before me and sip and replace without incident. I Once again I perceived the time in meditation as passing quicker than it did in the real world… like I thought it had only been a few short minutes but it turned out to have been a new record?!

Incorporating a few moments of reflection or self-assessment before beginning is going to be rolled into the process going forward. One of the things I am rather enjoying about this unplanned experiment is that I feel like I am learning a lot about myself, and remembering a lot about the practices of meditation and writing.

Thank you for being with me on this journey! If you have any questions or thoughts or advice feel free to sound off in the comments below!

Bliss & Blessed Be,
Pax / Geoffrey

Day 3 of an apparent streak?

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Friends,

Today’s meditation session was a short one. 6 minutes or so of me trying to focus on my breath and shoo all the thoughts flying around in my head away with a few moments of inner stillness and then another swarm of thoughts swirling on in. A little frustrating, but some days are like that and that is both all right and predictable. Like any other practice, spiritual practices require practice!

I woke up later than I’d prefer this morning so being shorter on time probably isn’t helping as some part of me is almost freakishly aware of it. I’ve mentioned my ADHD before here and with it comes a variety of challenges. One of those challenges surrounds the perception of and ability to manage ones time. Some folks with ADHD are regularly running late and can lock themselves into shame spirals about it. I am the other kind of neurodivergent where I am so freakishly worried about being late that I habitually arrive on time or a little early for things. The slightest heavy traffic on my way to work has me calling in to work about the possibility of running late. Employer’s, once they get used to this, rather love it.

Side note: How is it people paranoid about running late always seem to pair up with people who are *constantly* running late?

Anyhow, I did a brief bit of research and reading today on the phenomenon of meditation sickness and am sipping my coffee enjoying a few moments of regular quiet time before I need to get ready. I am also making a couple of notes in my written journal. They are “_____ days of Meditation” and, “____ days of Blogging”.

So apparently I’ve started trying to do a running streak of meditation and blogging? Not a goal I started with a couple of days ago, but sometimes in one’s life journey you have to learn to expect and accept the unexpected.

Bliss and Blessed Be,
Pax / Geoffrey

Coffee and Rekindling ep. 1

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(the terminally online edition)

Friends,

After I woke up this morning, somehow before my alarm, I brewed some coffee and filled the water bottle. I sat down at my computer table and opened YouTube and meditated to the current meditation music video once more. Around 12 minutes this time… give or take some mental faffing about at the beginning and end.

I had closed my eyes but the thoughts just kept bubbling up like a fountain, or perhaps a pipe leak? There was also some fussing about with enough coffee and water to quiet those cravings and settle in. A lot of thoughts and ideas, perhaps some really good ones, percolating through my brain before I was able to still my mind for a bit and focus on breath. Today I found it useful when the thoughts were popping up and refusing to drift off but rather swarming around me like moths to a flame, I switched my steady even breathing for a few counted breaths and holds before resuming a steady even breathing with my focus renewed on breath rather than the now MUCH more better behaving thoughts that left me like balloons drifting away on the breeze.

From there, I refilled coffee and dug out and cracked open my written journal, placing a few notes in there and jotting down the shinier of the ideas that had presented themselves early in the session. A relatively short entry but short notes focused entries are a beginning and I can build from there as I am willing and able. I am trying to take this return to writing and creativity and my personal journey with a step by step, rung by rung approach rather than some huge leap or dive that have so often in the past left me flailing about and burning out. We are trying to rekindle ourselves after all!

I then took a bit of a break from an otherwise very mental health oriented morning to review the latest headlines on the Reuters App and over on The Wild Hunt (there is still much awfulness in the world but there are also spots of hope) before going through a few of my favorite creators links. I checked out Thumper’s most recent posting over at Fivefold Law on Patheos Pagan. I also perused T. Thorn Coyle’s site and discovered that her Keep Breathing email newsletter is also available for reading online! Honestly a better option for me sometimes as I am more likely to be able to go back and reconsider/reexamine what she has written. Her writings often resonate with and inspire me. Her recent pivot towards writings and posts centered on creativity are of particular interest at the moment. I am still mentally and emotionally digesting her most recent piece…

Then I checked out The Witch of Wonderlust’s Portland escapade from late last year. I have long enjoyed her content and with all the YouTube’s I am subscribed to it has been rather silly of me not to fold the more Witchy and spiritual ones into the mix of my spiritual journey especially given the recent pivot to watching Youtube for comfort viewing. I then slid over to T. Thorn Coyle’s channel to check out her video on Soul Alignment… but I will have to revisit that another morning as today’s delightful morning has passed faster than I thought possible and it is time for me to get cleaned up and head in to work!

What is touching your mind and heart? What is comforting your spirit? What is kindling or rekindling your soul or spiritual journey or magick?

Bliss and Blessed Be,
Pax / Geoffrey

10 Minutes & 20 seconds

On By PaxIn everyday1 Comment

Friends,

Today for the first time in a long time I practiced formal meditation.

The much needed reminder that I need to actually and regularly engage in the spiritual and magical practices that nurture and nourish me came from the random inspiration of one of the many YouTuber’s I follow. I’ve been binging their (utterly non Witchraft or Spirituality related) vlog and podcast and channels for comfort video and came across one from 4 years ago about meditating every day for 30 days. I’ve been seeking a lot more of what I might call comfort and mental nutrition content in my online explorations recently. (more on that in a later post…) Spurred to activity by this random bit of inspiration I tracked down a longform meditation music clip and grabbed my iced coffee and got down to business!

I closed my eyes. I tried to focus on my breath. I sat silent allowing the meditation music to wash over, around, and through me; it was there… as much a part of the environment as the air I was breathing, but I wasn’t focusing on the music. I tried recognize when I was thinking. To let the thoughts drift away. Returning, repeatedly, to a focus to my breath. At times it was a steady, deep, in and out. At others times in response to some inner urge I breathed in on a 10 count, held for 10, breathed out for a count of 10, and held for 10, and repeated. If my body needed to shift or change position I moved. Rolling my head and neck, or my shoulders, repositioning my arm, adjusted my stance in the chair, and then returned to my breath.

After a time, when I felt I was somehow done, I opened my eyes and pressed pause on the video. The elapsed time read “10:20”. I was surprised by this as it had not seemed that long a time, I had somehow expected a shorter elapsed time, but there it was 10 minutes and 20 seconds. I felt relaxed and a little energized and focused. I’ve saved the video, and a few other meditation related videos, as well as poking around the creators Spotify streams. I can tell I need to be doing more of this!

As I said it’s been a while since I’ve sat in any sort of formal meditation. Usually I am catching a few moments in my morning or during the day, if I remember to do so. Although it occurs to me that seated meditation has been a much rarer format for me. Moving meditation, featuring a dropped and open attention technique while on a walk, usually in nature. featured prominently in my practice for years before I moved to Florida. I’ve explored seated meditation, and even went to a couple of silent meditation group sessions over the years, but overall it’s been short bursts of meditation for me. With occasional bouts of regular practice.

…

So I started this post immediately after my meditation session and have been returning to in throughout the afternoon and evening, between chores and some other comfort watching. Coming back to the piece to edit and write some more. A piece like this used to be very easy for me to write and put together, now it feels like a lot of effort. On the other hand after the meditation session I was actually able to get far enough in a piece of writing that I could comfortably come back to it and complete *something*.

I’ll keep you all updated on the ongoing adventures, but it is now time for bed.

Bliss and Blessed Be,
Pax/Geoffrey