Out in the Open

A street scene from within a theme park A tree lined street with old fashioned brick buildings in the background.  Blue sky and clouds above.  In the foreground stands Geoffrey an auburn haired human with dark glasses and a greying beard.  He is striking a dramatic pose with arms outstretched and wears a Tee shirt with the words "when Hate is Loud Love Must not be silent" in rainbow lettering against a black background.  He stands next to a much larger statue/disply of Louis Armstrong playing the trumpet.
“Laissez le bon temps rouler!” at Universal Orlando’s Mardi Gras

Friends,

Being out, being open, being present. Living ones life with integrity and joy. These things should not make one a target of vitriol or violence. Tragically they do. That they do, requires a response.

One of mine is to try and be more vocal and visible as a Queer person. For the last year or so I have made a practice of regularly wearing LGBTQ and Queer community themed Tee shirts or buttons/pins on a near daily basis. My original goal was daily, with the pins providing back up for situations where a button up shirt of some sort was called for. I wear a uniform shirt at work, so I am usually switching into that either at my car in the parking lot or in the break room at work.

As you can see from the picture above in one of the recent trips to Universal I was wearing one of those shirts. A random stranger walked past and told me they loved the shirt! I’ve gotten similar complements or friendly questions from other strangers over the last year or so. These have usually been from folks working, or shopping, at one of the two corner stores I regularly visit on my way too or from work. Some of them have, I believe, been “fellow traveler’s”, some allies, and some friendly open and curious. The moments when it is out of the blue and entirely unexpected like at a them park or the mall, where I am not a regular fixture as it were, these sparkle for me.

That sparkle comes at a cost.

I am aware that by being purposefully visibly out I am making myself a potential target of hateful words, verbal attacks, and possibly physical assault. As I’ve written about previously… I first really became aware of that fact, that in being who I was openly and in the world I could open myself up to rejection at the least and violence at the worst sometime around the age of 12. A heavy burden to bear in childhood, and one I take up once again.

Times had, I thought, changed since my teens and twenties. The moral arc of the universe had bent more towards the side of justice. Sadly there are those in the world who wish to seize that arc and twist it backwards, warping society and culture all out of recognition. There are many, many, ways to respond to this.

Many of those responses, or at least the ones from our shared Queer history the last time we were fighting for our lives, were referenced in my poem Battle Flag… Building our families of choice, building our communities, engaging in mutual aid and cooperative economics; most of all and despite our fears and the unjustified and irrational fury of others, whenever and wherever possible being out, being open, being present. Living our lives with integrity and joy.

Bliss and Blessed Be,
Pax / Geoffrey

Notes Upon The Journey: April 2nd 2024

3/2/2024 Tuesday the Day of Mars
7:24pm Hour of The Moon cusping towards The Hour of Saturn
Waning Crescent Moon

Friends,

The Sun is beginning to set. The heat of the day giving way to a cooler evening. Breezes fluttering through the treetops. Clouds slowly sailing through from the Southwest on their way to meet the approaching wall of wind and water posturing and presenting the possibility of storms over the rest of the Southeastern U.S. today.

Offerings in the offering cups, the first full offerings poured in far too long.

The last week or so has been… complex. Not bad, just… complex. A week of major insomnia resulting in a general malaise. # to 5 hours of sleep a night or if I am lucky a couple of 3 hours sessions with an intermission of racing rambling and disjointed thoughts. Fears and memories and hopes and the ever looming and seemingly unending to do lists taking me on a nightly whirlwind waltz until I can finally collapse into a too brief slumber. The well timed application of diverse forms of vitamins and caffeine (and water) helping to keep me functional in the daylit workday world.

Last night was better and I got a good nights sleep. A delivery of supplies had arrived late at work yesterday and I ended up having to help receive it and put it away. This unexpected bit of labor has helped highlight for me that I need to be reengaging with my body. A little later this evening once the heat of the day has had a little more time to disperse into the mere warmth of the evening I will put on as few clothes as one can reasonably get away with in polite society and go for a walk!

In the month-and-a-half since I last posted one of these long going journal entries about my journey there was a lot going on actually. My Bear and I went to the theme park and enjoyed frivolity and fun and food on a couple of visits to the Mardi Gras event at Universal early in the month. Late in the month we had a quieter celebration of my birthday with a a delightful homecooked meal. Episodes of joy and fun interspersed with another ridiculously busy Spring Break season in my life as a Hospitality employee in The City Beautiful.

And in the free writing of this post, I have found myself wandering into an entirely different post. So I am going to edit and close todays entry wishing you all well and I will see you soon!

Bliss and Blessed Be,
Pax / Geoffrey

Small Things & thoughts on the art of the blog

Friends,

Sipping some coffee and savoring some quiet before the tumult of a busy day at work I take a moment to splash some Florida Water into the offering cups. A brief moment before the window-sill altar breathing in the perfume scent and seeking some small comfort with a moments connection with the Holy Powers. A micro-dose of magick and ritual.

These tiny magicks, snippets of ritual, they are the building blocks of greater things. At the same time they are also worthy and worthwhile practices all on their own. Bit by bit, rung by rung, we ascend or descend into our higher or deeper selves and through the layers of Creation. I think it can be very easy, sometimes, to forget the value of the smaller puzzle pieces in the art of Magick. Especially when we are starting out or renewing our practices or working to reclaim our path. It is the same with reclaiming any practice we have let slip away in the mad rush of days that life can sometimes be.

In the afterglow of the golden moment I opened todays post with I felt the urge to write *something*, to post *something*

In my spiritual practices I have been using smaller simpler practices for a while now, even as I wrapped myself in needless worry and shame at not managing a larger monthly practice or ritual.

Similarly, in my writing I have been struggling to write larger essays and posts on topics I find myself drawn to, only to find myself struggling to write coherently about what is on my mind and to leave the work for some theoretical later, allowing this place to lay fallow for long periods of time. Alternately, I will jump from media form to media form; my ADHD blessed hummingbird of a brain seeking the nectar of dopamine in some new thing only to find myself as creatively blocked in the new medium as I was in the old. The answer of course is smaller and simpler exercises on a more regular basis. Journaling can work for a while for me, but it can be a tricky practice to maintain for me.

As I have been flailing around splashing bits of effort and creativity here and there, I have also been looking to my creative past. When I started this blog, I was posting daily or nearly daily sometimes. Not every post was some essay length piece of brilliance. Even some of the essay length ones from back in the day look so much clunkier to me now, but part of that was the creative flow and enthusiasm of the inspiration to posting pipeline. Sometimes one does need the safety valves of proof reading and editing, a practice I did not always engage in back in the day. At the same time though…

At the same time part of the art of the blog, as with any other regular and sustaining practice, is that sometimes we do not have a lot to say. Not every post, or bit of magick, or ritual, needs to be an essay length masterpiece. Sometimes in our writing as in our relationships with Spirit we ramble, sometimes we are briefly checking in, sometimes we are being reminded of something by Spirit or Higher Self that we need to recall, and sometimes without realizing it we are faffing about! Yet we do not get to the destination of a masterpiece, to a Great Work (or Working), without these smaller steps.

Bit by bit, rung by rung.

Bliss, and Blessed Be!
Pax / Geoffrey

The Gods of Small things

Friends,

A few of the many, many, needed chores have been done. I would have liked to get more accomplished but at the same time I am feeling good about what was accomplished. Part of that is the dopamine from actually doing something about this train wreck of a home, and some of it is because what I did do lays the ground work for me to (hopefully) be able to do more of the things later. As i was cleaning I was feeling a strange mix of elation from FINALLY doing the thing, and…fear?

Stasis and not dealing with things had become my standard operating procedure. Too many trials and tribulations and traumas had left me not so much paralyzed as shell shocked and numb to the thought of dealing with anything that I did not absolutely have to to keep an income coming in and food in the fridge. This realization, that I was unnerved and a little afraid of trying to bring order and cleanliness back into my daily life led me to thoughts of the household Spirits and Spirits of place. It also led me to musing about how we have names for Gods and Goddesses of big things and things that different cultures considered important or sustaining; what about the smaller Gods? What of the Holy Powers of Dusting or Decluttering?

So as I took a brief break from my work, I lit a stick of incense in offering to the Holy Powers and made a special mention of the Household Spirits and the Gods of Small things. I spent a few moments enjoying the scent of the Mugwort.

Then I got back to work.

Bliss, and Blessed Be,
Pax / Geoffrey

Excavating the Time

Friends,

Today I woke up before the alarm. It was close enough to the time it would go off that turning over and going back to sleep/nap, while always tempting, was not a practical option. I have stumbled about my morning, drinking some coffee, scrolling through the news headlines to see which horrors are persisting in the world even as I try to persist through my day, I also got a few needed chores knocked off the list!

*Sips a celebratory sip of coffee.*

The last couple of weeks have seen a seemingly continued upswing and stabilization of my mental and emotional health and stability. At the same time new medications and the onslought of allergy season here in Central Florida, along with the wild upswing in business that comes each year with the late Winter/early Spring travel season have left me tired and feeling as if I have little time or energy for writing.

I keep remembering the snippet of thought I shared a few weeks back when I was feeling my Higher Self…

“The time for us to do the things we need to do, the time for us to do the things we want to do, will not simply emerge in our lives like Athena bursting forth from the neck of Zeus. Much like a sculptor’s masterwork laying dormant in a block of marble we have to go digging for it.”

Geoffrey S 2024

So for the last few weeks I have been making a practice of trying to get up early each day, giving myself around 3 hours before I need to get ready for work. This work is made easier by the fact that I have been in a habit of giving myself plenty of time to wake up and make myself ready for my day for a few years now… off and on. Sometimes this represented time spent journaling and meditating and pulling cards and otherwise trying to reconnect with myself and perhaps seethe with occult power. (A bear can dream after-all) At other times I was simply drinking my coffee, listening to the news on the radio, and spending a few moments grounding and centering. Often it would simply be quiet time, sipping coffee and drinking water and just trying to listen to my body and heart and mind and figure out what they needed in general and in the moment. A little too frequently for my own development and comfort, this ‘me’ time was spent scrolling through the various social media simply consuming and fretting over information and outrage.

It is not enough to excavate the time, we must be conscious of how we are filling it!

There have also been times where I have let this practice slide away in the rush of work and life. Times where I would let my inner critic and saboteur remind me of all my past foibles and failings and faults. Times where insomnia and the mad rush of days overtook me.

So now, once again, I am returning to this practice. To carving out some time for myself. To be. To think. To write. To listen to my body. To clear my mind. To do things that I need to do. To do things that I want to do.

Do you engage in this sort of work as well? What times of day do you take for yourself out of the day?

Bliss, and Blessed Be,
Pax / Geoffrey

Notes Upon The Journey: February 14th 2024

2/14/2024 Wednesday the Day of Mercury
12:23pm Hour of the Sun cusping towards the Hour of Venus
Waxing Crescent Moon

Friends,

                The sun is high in the sky this afternoon.  A few clouds sit languishing in the sky.  You can feel the some of Summers future heat & humidity hanging in the air and testing the waters.   The moisture remaining from the swiftly sailing low-laying clouds that rode winds out of the South West towards the storms that were threatening Georgia and the Carolina’s this last week-end.

I’ve been picking up some learning and some sense of environmental signs around weather this last year, most days I am checking the National Weather Service’s Forecast Map to get an idea of what might be happening with the airport that day.  Combined with my brief morning meditation/check ins, usually done on the back porch, this has been educational.  One of the ways we learn to understand the land and spirits of the world around it is by taking the time to listen and the time to learn.  I will sometimes half-jokingly remind myself that not everything comes out of a book, or a website or video, Pax!

                So here we are at Valentines Day.  My bear and I are going on an excursion to a showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show with friends later today.  This has been made possible by the fact that after a year at my new job I qualified for paid vacation time and took a week off before the onslaught of the Spring travel season here in Central Florida.  For the most part it has been a pretty chill week, the husbear and I are planning on hitting Universal later in the week to check out their Mardi Gras event.  (Sadly not tied to the actual day which was yesterday, but a monthlong event with daily parades and weekly concerts.  Note to self: work to make Orlando weirder!)

                At the end of my last Notes post I mentioned I was going to do something for Imbolctide.  The windowsill altar was cleaned and reset, the offering cups were filled and incense was lit.  Prayers were said.  The days following have been interesting.  I have felt SO MUCH more myself the last few weeks.  One of the things I spoke of that night in my offerings and prayers was about new beginnings.  I rather feel as if that flipped the switch on something that had been developing within me for a while.  I am writing more, and working on household things, and feeling as if I am in the best mental and emotional place I have been in in a long, long, time!

                I’ve also been fairly good about not over indulging in scrolling and overall trying keep my social media diet a healthy one with reasonable portions… although a few pieces recently caught my eye….

                John Beckett over on Patheos wrote reacting to a comments section in a news item he had seen on the Religion News Service regarding the temple to the Norse Gods being completed in Iceland.  Both pieces are enjoyable and well worth reading!  They have also spurred a few different streams of thought in my ADHD blessed brain.  One or more of these streams of thought might resolve themselves into a longer article, I am at least writing on them on and off.  Turning some ideas over in my head like a lucky or fidget coin, and looking information up.

                Another good post that is stirring some thoughts came from Marshal The Witch of Southern Light who posted regarding the upcoming first installment of the Wicked movie and the stories applicability to the idea of Witches speaking truth to power and fighting against the rising tides of fascism in the world today.

                Finally, I turn to matters of the body.  My doctor has said I am pre-diabetic, and is putting me on a course of metformin for a couple of months.  I am looking at my activity levels, and finding them wanting, so will be trying to put more exercise into my routines.  I am also looking at my diet and trying to lower the carbs I am eating.  I went for a walk around the block the other night and it winded me far more than it used to or should have.

                No one said new beginnings were easy.  I rather think though that I am up to the challenge!

Bliss, and Blessed Be,
Pax / Geoffrey

A few gentle Reminders

  1. Low panic is a state of deep and genuine need dear heart. What is that if not the place from which one petitions the Holy Powers?
  2. You are a Witch. You are capable of taking that energy, of reclaiming it from the contexts of fear and panic, and re-purposing it. You’ve done it before for others. Give yourself some of that same love and grace.
  3. The time for us to do the things we need to do, the time for us to do the things we want to do, will not simply emerge in our lives like Athena bursting forth from the neck of Zeus. Much like a sculptor’s masterwork laying dormant in a block of marble we have to go digging for it.

Notes Upon The Journey: February 1st 2024

2/1/2024 Thursday the Day of Jupiter
8:46pm Hour of Jupiter
Waning Gibbous Moon
Imbolc Sabbat 2024

Friends,

                Happy Imbolc-tide!  May the season bring you blessings and beginnings!

The Winter has been colder and rainier here in Central Florida this year than is normal with warm and cold spells that have primed the pumps for our Tree Pollen Season.  It is worth noting here that if you are sensitive to Tree Pollen like me, then there is a common species of tree here in the South Eastern U.S. called Live Oak whose pollen absolutely HATES you! I have already begun my allergy and local honey regimen.  Prayers and well wishes are welcome at this difficult time.

 The days are growing longer as the darkness of Winter begins to recede.  The Strawberry harvest begins and one of these years I will have to make it out to the Strawberry Festival down in Polk County south of Orlando.  In a couple of weeks Presidents Day Weekend and the Daytona 500 will bring with them the starting bell to the mad rush of the Spring tourism and travel season.  Daytona alone brings an extra 500,000 people to Central Florida each year.  Then there is Spring Training for baseball, with many teams taking up residence in small towns across Central Florida.  Spring breaks in various school systems and countries add to the flow of people.  The time between Presidents Day and whenever Easter falls can be a mad house of activity in Central Florida, especially for those of us in the Hospitality business.

I spent some time meditating in the Sunlight this afternoon and trying to enjoy a few moments of calm and warmth.  Tonight, I reviewed financials and worked out my budget for the coming year.  First stirrings and new beginnings and all of that.  After I finish writing this a cleaning of the windowsill altar and some incense and offerings are in order!  Not only to honor the day and the turning of the Wheel but to also rebuild my own relationship with my Craft and the Holy Powers.

Bliss & Blessed Be,
Pax / Geoffrey

A brief check-in

Friends,

                It seems as if there is so much more fear and anger in the world today than in my youth.  Some of this is simply that I did not have the same knowledge or understanding of politics and world events and history than that I do now.  Some of this is the veritable firehose of information, advertising, and propaganda that social media and the internet have become.  I was talking about this with my friend Heather earlier this evening… well, last evening as I am writing this a little before 1 am.  We were discussing Facebook and how it is much harder to keep up with what is going on in our various categories of friends and families lives now than it was years ago.  It sometimes seems that suggested posts and advertisements and promoted content outnumbers the posts from the actual people I am trying to stay in contact with or connection with.  It’s not just Facebook though, it seems common across all social media.

                On the other hand, we were discussing this face-to-actual-face… like live, and in person!  (I know radical idea these days…)  I have made a commitment to myself to make more of an effort to engage in some face to face socializing this year and as part of that I went over to their house and were chatting with in person, a group of us splurged & ordered Pizza and chatted for a bit.  I am realizing I am somewhat out of practice with engaging in real conversation with others outside of the sort of guest service polite conversation stuff I’ve done at work for years now.

                It was a good night, even if I ended up cutting it short.  My social battery runs down very quickly these days, whether I am in a work or pleasure situation.  I’ve figured out strategies for dealing with this at work, more practice is needed for pleasure situations.  Which I know may sound weird but if you’ve ever dealt with the phenomenon you will understand.

Now, though, it is my physical (bodies) battery that is running low..

Bliss, and Blessed Be!
Pax / Geoffrey

Flickering into the New Year

Friends,

It has been a long time since I have written here, either to you or to myself.  A long time since I have journaled.  A long time since I engaged in any but the simplest of personal rituals and prayers of my Craft.  Roughly 6 months of largely going silent across much of social media, lurking and reposting and keeping my mouth shut and my head down, keeping an eye on things and thinking my own thoughts.  I needed it…

I could say that it started in late May or Early June when in conversation with one of my BFF’s I mentioned how at my then recent Doctors appointment (the first in nearly a year for reasons beyond my control) I had weighed in at a little over 300lbs.  This is the heaviest I have ever been and while I endorse body positivity and health over looks, this is not a healthy 300-something lbs.  This is a sedentary lifestyle and stress eating.  My friends noted how I’ve always fluctuated up and down, but that I had really started to put on the weight around June of 2022.  The time was significant.

June of ’22 is when the new owners took over the motel I was working at.  All of the properties in my area had been sold by the brand to franchisees.  The new owners had, at their introduction talked about how they were looking at insurance for their employees, and promptly incorporated each motel property as its own business, meaning they would not be required by law to provide insurance to their hundreds of employees across multiple properties.  Shortly after, after a series of disasters and problems, I was demoted.

The latest in a litany of difficulties and tribulations over the last 5 years.

*NOTE: here the author proceeded to list out a litany of personals, familial, and collective events and traumas that had rolled over them rather like a semi-truck running over an armadillo.  He then thought about it a moment and erased it character by character, not wishing to give any of them any more energy*

Suffice it to say, the last 5 years have been A LOT.  Thus when my friend mentioned the pattern he had noted in my weight gain I started thinking….

I had been through a lot.  I had been trying to deal with my thoughts and emotions and fears, trying to unpack my experiences and trauma; all while undergoing repeated new and exciting forms of bullshit!  I realized that all of my worst coping mechanisms had slithered up from my past and subconscious, or wherever they lurk when we are on an even keel.  I realized that even though I had found a new job and much better workplace environment in January of 2023 that I was still running around my day running away from my thoughts and feelings and past, still vigorously engaging in some of my worst coping mechanisms rather than healthy behaviors.

Running away rather than embracing and engaging.

So, I stopped.  I let go of everything but the most basic of activities.  I stopped posting and for a while managed to avoid social media entirely.  I spent the first few months simply getting through my day with a constant self-questioning of “What does my body really need?”  Is this desire for a cigarette really a need for nicotine or needing a few moments to re-calibrate, or hunger, or thirst? (nicotine addiction can do weird things and you’ll think you want a cigarette when what you really need is some hydration) Is this urge to eat something coming from genuine hunger or the urge to eat my feelings & stress away?  “What does my body need?” became an oft repeated question I would ask myself.

Somewhere along the way I began dipping my toes in social media… engaging with friends, sending memes and videos, the occasional conversation or quip or comment or repost.  But still running rather radio silent. 

My social battery is still quite low for real life interactions or for conversations.  At the same time I am feeling much closer to myself and my creative spark than I have in… well…honestly in a while.  Anyone who knows me and has read my writings here for a wile can tell there were some times where I was forcing myself to write something.  Other times where there were things I wanted to say that I just couldn’t carry forward.

I recall last year around The Winter Solstice and New Years, I had been so moved by a story in the news and the idea of the persistence of light in times of darkness.  I had wanted to write on that theme and find themes of hope and inspiration in my writing in 2023.  The problem of course is that my own personal light had flickered and guttered and there was but a coal buried in the ashes.  You can’t just dump a bunch of kindling on a fire such as this and hope for the best.  You must carefully unbury the coals and then add a little kindling, breathe a little air onto it, add more kindling until flames or flickering and dancing once more.

My prayer to the Holy Powers is that I may nurture and nourish the flame of spirit within myself for 2024.

Bliss, and Blessed Be and So Mote It Be.

A Letter To Mastodon and a Reply to Self

Friends,

                In these fearful times I keep finding myself doom-scrolling, drowning, desperately trying to stay afloat and find my way through conflicting currents of information and algorithms.  Social media engineered to be as addictive as any designer drug and widely designed to encourage our engagement through outrage and to attempt its own form of virtual people pleasing by making it difficult or problematic to find information that does not feed into our preconceptions and past searches, yet for many of us still a tool for communicating with those we care about and for keeping informed of the world around us. 

                In those few online spaces where the algorithms have not crept, I find myself strangely hesitant.  Reticence resulting from a few too many unpleasant lessons in the true natures of people I had thought were trustworthy once revealed in the aftermath of the turmoil and trauma of recent years; combined with a period of years where I hesitated to let my freak flags fly like the prayer flag banners they are.  All because I had mistaken a job for a career and did not think to split my worksona and persona in social media… or perhaps I still gave too much of a damn what other people thought?

                So now I find myself, and am trying to find myself by, stretching long unused muscles of body, mind, and spirit.  Wrestling with the written word either as the author or the reader.  Going for an all too short walk, which should NOT have worked me over me as much as it did.  In fearful times I am seeking and protecting my peace even as I prepare for the possibility of the culture warriors starting an actual one.

Bliss & Blessed Be,
Pax / Geoffrey

May 10th 2023

Self,

It is good that we are acknowledging our fears, our worries, our misgivings, our grief at the goings on in these Tower times. Acknowledge them, face them, accept them.

But do remember to take a breath! Take another…

While we are at it, let us take some time to remember Frank Herbert’s Litany Against Fear. Let us Remember Frank Crane’s Just For Today affirmations. Let us also take a moment to revel in Max Erhmann’s Dessiderata. Remember these things, and all the others that have provided inspiration and peace and threads of wisdom and moments of reflection and healing.

It is so very clear to us that we need these things now more than ever!

Take another breath…

Recall, if you will that sometimes the body and mind can play pernicious tricks upon us. Nicotine can trick us into thinking we need another smoke when we are thirsty, or hungry, or simply in deep need of a few stolen moments of peace and perhaps an aspirin or a spot of caffeine?

Yes, I do recall that we were over doing caffeine, but we made it to the bathroom in time on all occasions and avoided having to sucker punch guests or co-workers in our terror fueled and brisk penguin ‘walks’ to the restroom. We gave gotten a MUCH better handle on that and do not need to look at the worst possible interpretation of *everything*.

More to the point, we need to remember to nourish ourselves, body and soul. Drink some water. Be gentle with your body and soul but start exercising them both a little bit more.

Despite decades of programing from hurt people hurting you, and a remarkably under nourishing overculture, We believe in ourselves.

Now it is a bit late to be doing chores especially after an exhausting day, so since we are unlikely to fall asleep until we have exercised our mind a bit, go read or write or something!

Best Regards to you and yours,

Pax /Geoffrey

July 18th 2023

Different Witnesses: A Few Thoughts on Hope & Determination

Friends,

So a while back The Cryptonaturalist posted something to their social media…

We seldom admit the seductive comfort of hopelessness.
It saves us from ambiguity.
It has an answer for every question:
“There’s just no point.”
Hope, on the other hand, is messy.
If it might all work out, then we have things to do.
We must weather the possibility of happiness.

The Cryptonaturalist – posting April 9th 2023

I found this profoundly touching and meaningful to me and my life’s journey, so I shared it across a few formats. A friend of mine on Facebook took strong exception to this piece, feeling it dismissed hopelessness, reducing it to some sort of personal preference. They also believed it was belittling of suicidality somehow, and was painting hope as somehow being easy. I was a little surprised by this. For myself, as someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family, the son and grandson of alcoholics, someone who in their mid to late 20’s seriously contemplated suicide on at least one occasion, someone who has wrestled deeply with periods of depression and self neglect over many years I had very much the opposite reaction to this piece.

At the same time I was reminded about something that came up in some Journalism and Sociology/Psychology classes I had taken once upon a time around the first time I tried to go to college. This phenomenon that I cannot recall if it has a specific name, was been discovered in studies of crime reporting, related to things like car accidents and fights; where two different people witnessing the same event at the same time and in the same spot can later describe very different accounts of that event. I suppose it is the same for works of art and for all kinds of events and works. What we bring with us to the point of encountering something can vastly impact how we see and experience the thing.

Hope being messy, the idea of it being complex and complicated, like so much of life and truth, resonates for me. The idea that one must ‘weather’ the possibility of happiness… this speaks to me as someone who has often observed that even when things are going quite well, that there is a part of my mind and heart always ready and waiting and looking out for the other shoe to drop. That happiness and hope are sometimes difficult choices, that they can take effort and thought; that there can be many ups and downs that can come with the efforts one makes in that chosen journey; all of these spoke to me deeply. I did not see the post or these ideas as dismissing hopelessness. Very much the opposite; to my mind at least, this post acknowledges and respects the idea of how perilously easy it is to fall into the habit or state of hopelessness. How strangely comforting the idea of giving up sometimes is. That to be hopeful in a society that often does little to encourage or cultivate it can be so very difficult. To cultivate hope in oneself and in others, especially in the face of the sometimes harsh realities of our world, is perhaps one of the most challenging and courageous thing we can do.

I am reminded of my recent post about the Titan Submersible and the Migrant Boat disaster in the Mediterranean, in the opening of it I waxed poetic about the power and importance of stories…

So often at the end of various stories the narrative is brought to an ending via the phrase “And they lived happily ever after.” I think that all to often this narrative device used to close the story that the story teller wished to tell, is seen as some sort of iron-clad guarantee as to the characters lives and experiences ever-after. It says they lived happily. It does not say that that happiness did not take work, or that there were no struggles or bad or difficult times, nor downs and ups and sideways in their journeys. Yet, through ALL of that, our heroes were happy. Maybe not in every moment of every day, but in the long term, the overall.

I think that that overall happiness is worth fighting for.

Bliss and Blessed Be,
Pax / Geoffrey

Oceanic Tragedies and the Power of Stories

We humans are story telling creatures.  We look for patterns.  We pass on knowledge and history and culture through stories and folklore of all sorts.  Across centuries and cultures and many mediums this has always been the case.  Stories have power.  The power to inspire, to enthrall, to obsess and to distract.  The stories we listen to, the stories we tell ourselves and one another can touch our minds and hearts.  They can lay bare what is yet unacknowledged or unknown within our thoughts and souls.  They can teach us lessons about ourselves, the world around us, our culture.  They can affect change within us and within the world around us.

Until recently the story that seems to have obsessed… well… if my social media feeds are to be believed, damn near EVERYONE has been the story of the Titan submersible.  Looking at this tragedy from the outside, as a story, it has a lot going for it.

Five fantastically wealthy were lost within the ocean.  Trapped.  Their fates were yet unknown and the time limit for their breathable air in tiny, tomb-like, inescapable, craft running out.  Trapped in darkness and running out of air, the stuff of horror.  Ships were dispatched from the fleets of nations to look for them.  As the time passed the very serious concerns about the safety and actual viability of their craft came out.  The hubris of the Titan’s creator and his disregard for regulations and the relative cheapness of the materials used to create the submersible came to light.  The perception of a potential race against time.  The very stuff of a dramatic and moving story.  One that could (as far as we knew at the time) have ended in triumph or tragedy.

Many people across social media expressed their lack of sympathy for these fantastically wealthy men, who paid four-and-a-half times many peoples life savings for a privilege that (we now know) led to their perishing.  Here the stories told about this event started to tell us about, not only the storytellers, but the world they are living in.  One of the incredible disparities of wealth and power and justice in the world today.  There was a lack of sympathy for these five men, and their status and station and wealth.  Some of the posts and videos calling it justice even as they called out the terrible ironies of Titan taking the lives of these seven wealthy men, most of whom were on a pleasure jaunt to visit Titanic; the graveyard of hundreds of people the majority of whom were poor and simply traveling in hopes of a better life for themselves and their children.

Then the narratives began to suffer a sea change as commenters and other creators began to decry the lack of sympathy being shown towards these men.  Onlookers and critics decried the purported cruelty or insensitivity of the many memes and posts.

For myself, I had some sympathy towards this view.  At the same time, I could acknowledge the profoundly dark ironies, and like many who have been through dark and difficult times, I appreciated the dark humor deployed in observations across many forms of media.  There was, certainly, some insensitivity or anger expressed but at the same time I can understand where that is coming from in a world where so many of us are struggling to get by and living from paycheck to paycheck if we are lucky.  I could understand the characterizations of these 5 as feckless or reckless.  I could understand the darkness and vitriol as ways of fending off the slow burning horror the thought of the situation may have brought to the hearts and minds of some.

Arguments erupted and narratives were spun on the alleged insensitivity or cruelty of the many stories mocking or even reveling in the situation.  Some solely blamed the creators in question.  Others the nature of social media and the disconnection of society.  Many arguments and stories, often with one philosophical axe or another to grind.

Finally, past the point where their air would have run out, the wreckage was found.  Not at all far from their last known location.  New facts emerged.  Titan had imploded.  Naval listening posts had noted the noise of a possible implosion when it happened, shortly after they disappeared, and this knowledge had been passed along and apparently disregarded or ignored.  Experts in the field of underwater searches and rescues had advised starting from the last known location and spiraling outward; advice ignored in favor of a longer and more laborious grid search larger than some nations.

The arguments born of this event continue even as our 24-hour news cycle submerged them into a somewhat nebulous sense of ‘the past’ with news of a potential coup in Russia.

I would love to wrap this up here, with some sort of deep and philosophical point about all the above.  Something satisfying that speaks to all of our shared humanity and worth and dignity and wraps things up in a tidy bow.  I cannot.

All the above is not what is troubling me.  That is not what led me back here to write out from my heart and mind, to exorcise demons of doubt and worry and grief from the echo chambers of my mind and soul.  The questions that are haunting me when I look at the last week or so include, “Why THIS story?” “Why THIS discourse?”

The Titan submersible went missing, imploded as we now know, on June 18th

Four days before in the early morning hours of June 14th a fishing boat overloaded with approximately 750 people capsized in the Mediterranean off the coast of Greece.  104 survivors were rescued, 78 bodies were recovered, the rest are still missing; including between 50 to 100 children.  They were migrants and refugees from Pakistan, Egypt, Syria, and Palestine; nations battered by war, poverty, hunger, and political oppression.  It is known that some of them were in contact with a refugee hotline before this tragedy, one of the largest in the history of the Mediterranean.  It is known that there were other boats in the area, some of which were able to get water and supplies to this ship.  The Greek coast guard were reportedly in communication with the vessel.  Though there are now serious questions being asked about the Greek governments account of their involvement and decisions.

The Mediterranean is not so huge a body of water that ships could not have been summoned to aid a foundering vessel in the hours leading up to its capsizing.  Couldn’t the resources of nations and corporations have been dispatched with a quickness to at least ATTEMPT to prevent what seems to have obviously been a tragedy in the making?

“Why not THAT story?”

“Why not THAT discourse?”

Nagging at me at irregular intervals.  After all, there is as much tragedy and tragic irony and moving and powerful narrative potential in the loss of over 500 people, many of whom had spent their life savings to make their dangerous and doomed journey.  They have, at least, as much human worth and dignity as the 5 men from the Titan.  We know those men’s names and histories.  We cannot know all the names of those lost on the fishing boat… hell, I haven’t even been able to find out the NAME of the fishing boat!

“Why didn’t the waters of social media churn like the ocean’s waves with THAT story?”

“Why did I only learn about THAT story as a side effect of discussions about the Titan?”

What haunts me and has me thinking about stories and their power to change us and change the world, what has me turning over so many narratives I have been told over the years at this point, is an idea suggested by someone commenting on the juxtaposition of these two stories.  They were righteously and justifiably outraged at the relative silence across so much of social media about the capsized ship being eclipsed by the Titan submersible.

They pointed out that we are all too often told we are not *supposed* to care about the poor.