Day 30 of 30 of meditation & blogging!

15 minutes 27 seconds

Friends,

I was awake shortly before my alarm this morning, and started some dishes soaking and got coffee brewed and puttered about the internet for nearly an hour. Despite a good nights sleep I was feeling a bit more fatigued rather than fabulous. Another element in the procrastination was an odd mix of not wanting to end this experiment of daily meditation and blogging about it, and already being ready to move on from it.

I will be continuing my mindfulness practice.

I am looking forward to other writing projects and blogging topics. I am also looking forward to being better able to take some of the morning hours I have carved out of my life and schedule for myself to take care of the seemingly endless list of chores and projects very much needed around the house. Writing, especially when we are trying to do it well, and introspection and discernment these things take time.

At the same time I have learned SO MUCH about myself in this journey. I have grown and stretched my mind and spirit in so many ways and found an inner stillness and silence, a peace and strength I had not known in myself or that I had forgotten. Even with the obstacles and limitations this long-form writing about my daily practice present, the exercise has been a transformative journey for me.

I would be lying to myself, and to you dear reader, if I did not acknowledge that a part of this mornings procrastination was influenced by my life-long frenemies of self-doubt and worry. “What if my practice falls away without the blogging component?” “What if this burst of writing and the creative spark was some flash in the pan?” “What if I fuck it up?”

Procrastination and distraction were the order of the day this morning. However those old frenemies of mine are thoughts. Whether I am feeling it, or not, I have my practice. So I refilled my coffee and my ice-water. I sat down and synced today’s music and my timer. I took a breath. I began again.

Closing my eyes i was able to focus on the music and fumbled towards my cycle of breaths. Thoughts came sweeping in and for a time I simply let them as I began to find my breath. Even as I found my breath and tried to hold it in my attention, even with the thoughts lapping at my awareness and sometimes washing over me in waves, I brushed up against the ghost of my inner quiet and calm. At times I could simply note that I was thinking and let the thoughts go, returning to the music and my breath and then simply my breaths and its path through my body. At others, I would invoke the by now familiar phrase “it is what it is”, repeated mentally over and over as I let the music fade into the background a bit and held my mantra and my breathing in my attention, letting all else fade away for a time… before more thoughts would come. the cycle of inner peace, distraction from thoughts, noting and letting go of thoughts, and sinking back into peace continued. Finally I was able to silence my thoughts and sink even deeper into my inner silence and stillness and moments later the timer chimed. I silenced it and tried to continue further…

Meditation is training our attention and awareness. Sometimes that training is like gentle stretches, sometimes it is like a good long walk in nature that leaves us relaxed and invigorated, and sometimes it is more like a wrestling match. It is what it is.

Thank you to all of you who have joined me in this journey. I will be posting a wrap up post about my meditation misadventure in a few days. I hope you will continue to check in on my journey and wish you every blessing and joy in your own.

Bliss & Blessed Be,
Pax / Geoffrey