Day 21 of ? of meditation & blogging!

14 minutes 25 seconds

Friends,

Today has been a day rather packed with activity, feelings, lessons, and as I can now recognize, many forms of meditation. It honestly began before it began. Last night my insomnia burned the midnight oil and I finally forced myself to lay down around 4 hours before I needed to get up in the predawn hours and go to work at this new schedule of mine.

Another day of waking up in the pre-dawn hours. Another day where my actual daily mindfulness session would have to happen much later in the day sometime after activity and work. Another day where at the end of the day I am the one who chooses how it goes with what attitude I bring to it and how open I am to the actual experience of it.

Somewhat begrudgingly, I woke up and silenced my alarm. I took a deep breath, let out a soft grumbling growl of determination and god up out of bed. I got ready with a practiced ease and quickness. I took my morning medications, readied my ice water thermos, checked my bag ready and checked the snacks and mix of assorted small items I need to get through a sometimes busy day. I was grabbing breakfast and additional beverages on the way into work. I still had some time before I had to be out the door. I went out onto my back porch for a cigarette. (I know and am trying to quit)

I sat down and took a drag off my smoke, breathed out a modest cloud of smoke. The hand clutching the cigarette rested against my knee. I took another deep breath, slowly let it out and paid attention to the world around me.

In the darkest depths of the last of night countless Frogs and Tree Frogs sang in a chorus of croaks and a chirping humming. Humidity and the lack of the Suns oppressive influence gave the an illusionary coolness even though you could smell the ghost of rain’s cologne upon the breezes. Tips of tree branches and palm fronds wavered oh so slightly. The riverine flow of traffic had not yet begun it’s distant murmuring. I smoked my cigarette and took a moment of silence and peace before I had to the world and its ten thousand things.

The only thing that would have made it more perfect would have been a strong cup of coffee!

The above, perhaps familiar to regular readers here as the style of introduction to my occasional Notes Upon The Journey posts, is an example of open awareness or open monitoring meditation. In Open Awareness instead of focusing upon one thing and letting the rest of the world fall away, you maintain an awareness of all the world around you without judgement, thoughts and emotions allowed to flow freely noting them as thoughts and emotions, they are what they are, not letting them pull you into your head or feelings.

Then it was off to the races of my day. As my day progressed I checked the weather report and time on my phone at one point and saw a notification about today being the anniversary of the Pulse Nightclub shooting here in Orlando. Now, I was not there that night nor did I know anyone killed or injured. As a Queer man though any time something like that happens in YOUR community of both spirit and location… it kind of hits you differently. All the same this tragedy happened 8 years ago and here I was suddenly rather deep in my feelings about….something or somethings? My work day was busy enough that I had to spend my time on my main duties, but not so busy that I could not take a few spare moments to tap some thoughts into my phone. So when I could, I focused my attention and awareness on my memories of that day. As the process progressed I began to unpack a lot of realizations and some of the reasons why I personally was having such a powerful response. This same sort of technique of focused awareness upon an idea or concept or point of philosophy or theology or lines from a sacred text is the sort of deep and focused attention used in different faiths and philosophies for centuries.

Finally I reached the end of my day and made my way home, exhausted. I woke up after my nap feeling amlost ridiculously fresh and ready. I cued up some music and set my phone timer and FINALLY began today’s session of mindfulness meditation.

Thoughts came, but were easily recognized and dismissed. The rhythm of my breath embraced me like an old familiar friend and in my mind I alternated waltzing my attention between them and todays chosen musical track. Thoughts came but it was what it was. We are creatures evolved to think and to feel and we can choose to simply admit them to ourselves and let them happen without being their puppets and continue to be present wherever we are. The flow of thoughts was like stray leaves floating gently along a river that occasionally bump up against me and then flow off rather than some raging torrent to be struggled with. Dancing with my attention between my breaths and the music I found that today I was more focused on the meditation track and so I accepted this as well. I found myself turning inward and finding the place of my mental and emotional peace and longed for quiet. Time seemed to be passing slowly and yet the timers chiming still surprised me when it softly sounded. I silenced it and let myself dwell within this place for a little while longer before stopping the music track.

Lately I have been noticing that I am, mostly, in a much better mood and frame of mind in my day to day life. More open, more cheerful, more present. The other thing I have noticed today is that there are times where when I am not focusing my attention and awareness that my ADHD mental zoomies were more noticeable. Then again I ended up doing a lot of meditation today beyond my, admittedly somewhat cobbled together, mindfulness practice. Very much a work out for my mind and feelings today, as opposed to yesterdays intense physicality. Already 21 days into this journey and I feel as if I have learned a surprising amount about myself and my emotions, the how and why of my thoughts and feelings, as well as a lot of information on ADHD and meditation and mindfulness practice; all as I must also acknowledge that I have so much to learn, but that can come with time.

Now, it is time for bed. Thank you for traveling with me on this journey, I hope you are also finding some value and pleasure in this little project of mine. As always, if you are so moved, feel free to reach out to me in the comments.

Bliss & Blessed Be,
Pax / Geoffrey